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If a man spends a lot of time doing things for his mother, and this is something he is aware of, what can enter his mind is that she doesn’t see him as a real person. This is because she more or less continually asks him to do things, and when he says that he can’t do something, she can criticise him and do what she can to make him feel guilty.
She is then not going to be able to accept that he is a separate individual who has his own needs, feelings, and life to lead. To her, it will be as if his sole purpose is to meet her needs. An Analogy When he thinks about how she behaves, what can enter his mind is that she treats him like an object that she bought in a shop. She will then own him and will be entitled to use him whenever she desires. However, if he were to talk to her about this, she could say that he doesn’t think that she owns him or just dismiss what he says. But even if she disagrees with what he says, her behaviour will show that she does see him as her possession. Resistance After this, he can see that he needs to implement boundaries with his mother so that he can start living his own life. Even so, he can find that although he wants to do this, he has the need to continue to behave in the same way. When he thinks about changing his behaviour, he can feel very uncomfortable. After this, he can wonder why his mother sees him in this way and why he is unable to freely express himself. The First part Most likely, his mother is developmentally stunted, which is why she primarily relates to him as an object, not a subject. Her early years were likely to have been a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way, she would have often been ignored, rejected and abandoned. As a result, she wouldn’t have been able to move beyond the stage of her development where other people were seen as objects who were there to meet her needs. The Outcome If this were the case, she wouldn’t have been able to develop a theory of mind that allowed her to see that other people are separate beings who have their own thoughts, feelings, needs, and life to lead. To handle what happened, she would have lost touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and inflated false self. Thanks to this, when the time came for her to be a mother, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide her son with what he needed. The Second part Her son would then have had numerous needs that needed meeting in order for him to grow and develop in the right way, but many of them would have seldom, if ever, been met. His need for food, clothing and shelter might have generally been met, but that would have been about as far as it went. At a deeper level, she would have seen him in the same way as she saw her mother and father when she was an infant; as someone who was there to give her what she needed. It wouldn’t have occurred to her that he was a separate being who had his own inner reality. No Choice As he was powerless and totally dependent, he had to adapt to the lack of love that was on offer. His only option was to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, deflated and outer-directed false self. When he did express himself, he was likely to have been disapproved of, rejected or abandoned. The Message He would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable and that if he didn’t please his mother, he would be annihilated and die. So, abandoning himself and doing what she wanted was how he handled this brutal stage of his life. Along with this, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him. This hope was futile as she wouldn’t love him, but it would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, his mother was too stunted and wounded to love him; it wasn’t that there was anything inherently wrong with him. For him to realise this, reconnect to himself and live his own life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and she is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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