Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Woman Find It Hard To Leave A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

For a while now, a woman may have been with a man who is emotionally unavailable and is often physically out of reach. As a result of this, she can not only experience a fair amount of anger and frustration, but she can often feel exhausted.

However, although she might have been in this position for a number of months or longer, a big part of her might have the need to stay with him. Another part of her can then often wonder why she doesn’t just walk away from him.

External Feedback

If she has spoken to at least one trusted friend, she might have been told that she is with a man who is too entangled with his mother and that she needs to move on. This friend might have made it clear that if she doesn’t do this, her life will only get worse.

During this time, she might have agreed with what they said and thought about cutting her ties with the man. Yet, if she did respond on his way, she might have soon forgotten about what was said and carried on as normal.

Inner Conflict

But, even if she hasn’t spoken to anyone about this, if there is a part of her that can see clearly and wonders why she doesn’t just walk away, she might conclude that there is something wrong with her. If so, this is not going to be a surprise, as she is staying in a situation that is not serving her.

Now, if she were to take the time to think about why she is staying with a man who is caught up in his mother’s world and is unable to have a relationship with her, she can find that this other part believes that he will change if she hangs in there. This part is then going to be full of hope.

An Irrational View

However, after becoming aware of this, she can see that, based on how he is behaving and has behaved for so long, there is no reason for her to be this way. She can see that this part of her has lost touch with reality.

Yet, if she were to imagine leaving him, she could find that she soon feels anxious and fearful. If she does, she can see that while living in hope is not serving her, it stops her from having to feel uncomfortable.

Going Deeper

What she may find, if she stays with the anxiety and fear, is that she fears that she will be left and that her life will end if she leaves him. Assuming that this is what arises, what can enter her mind is that there is no reason for her to be this way and that it is irrational.

She can also think about how she was fine before she met him, and that she will be fine if she leaves him. And, if she were to talk to a trusted friend about what has arisen inside her when she thinks about ending her relationship, they could agree with what she says.

An Odd Scenario

As strange as this will be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, she might gradually understand why she is this way. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of her life when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

So, from a very young age, she might have missed out on the attunement and care that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. If this were the case, being rejected and left would have been normal.

One Option

When she was left, this would then have been a time when she experienced a lot of pain and had the experience of dying without dying. To handle not having her needs met and the pain that this caused her, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

Thus, she would have lost touch with her connected true self and formed a disconnected false self. She would have also lived in the hope that, if she became who her mother and/or father wanted and did what they wanted, she wouldn’t be rejected or left and would be loved.

A Futile Struggle

But, as her mother and/or father were probably unable to love her, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did. Nonetheless, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for her to keep it together and function.

This stage of her life will now be over, of course, but she will unconsciously project the mother and/or father that she needed into the man that she is with. Due to this, he will be seen as being in control of whether she lives or dies, which is why a big part of her is holding on to him.

Two Parts

What this shows is that this part of her is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that the man she is with is not her mother and/or father and that this stage of her life is over. Another part of this is that this stage of her life is likely to have been a time when she also received misattuned care, causing her to feel smothered and trapped.

This is why being with a man who is distant will feel comfortable to a big part of her. She is then not going to leave a man who is out of reach, but she won’t want to get too close to a man either.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to break away from him and to feel comfortable getting close to a man, she will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk