Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Wouldn’t A Mother Enmeshed Man Realise That His Mother Lacks Empathy?27/9/2024
If a man is overly focused on his mother and he is fed up with behaving in this way, he could talk to a friend or his girlfriend about what is going on. This can be a time when he will talk about how frustrated and drained he feels.
After this, the person he talks to can be understanding and supportive. They could say that his mother appears to be caught up with herself and is not interested in his needs or how he feels. One Response After this, he could think about what has been said and he might agree with their point of view. However, even if he does, he could soon go back to behaving in the same way. If so, he will continue to ignore a number of his own needs and how he feels. Consequently, most if not all of his life force will be directed toward his mother. The Next Step He could feel the need to talk to his mother about what is going on but even if he does, he might not get very far. This can be a time when what he says will be ignored or dismissed. This is likely to show that his mother is not willing to see that he is an individual who has his own needs and feelings. But, while he could think about this, he could soon go back to behaving in the same way. The Same Purpose Deep down, he is likely to believe that if he continues to be there for her, she will finally see and hear him. The love that he craves from her will then finally be provided and he will feel whole and complete. The trouble is that as she is unable to see and hear him and is caught up with her own needs, this is unlikely to happen. Furthermore, the love that he is looking for is likely to be the love that he missed out on as a child. It’s too late Therefore, even if she were to turn into an attentive and caring mother, the love that she provides him wouldn’t allow him to feel whole and complete. The reason for this is that as he is now an adult, the time has passed for him to receive this type of love. With this in mind, he is struggling to receive something that wouldn’t help him even if he did receive it. Of course, if his mother was different, it would help him but it wouldn’t transform him. Stepping Back Now, if he were to see that his mother is emotionally out of reach and unable to see and hear him, he could wonder why it has taken him so long to realise this. He might also notice that a big part of him doesn’t want to accept this. What is likely to have played a big part in this is that he won’t have a strong connection with a number of his needs and feelings or know, at the core of his being, that he is an individual. Additionally, he is likely to find that he doesn’t feel comfortable with a number of his needs and feelings. Self-Alienation Thus, by not having a strong connection to his embodied, true self and being comfortable with this part of him, it won’t have occurred to him that his mother is unable to acknowledge his existence. But, as his connection to himself has gradually developed, it will be clear that his mother has eyes to see but that she is emotionally blind. The love that a big part of him craves from her will have also stopped him from being able to see her clearly. This shows that although his childhood is over, a big part of him is still looking for what he missed out. Back In Time During this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Instead of receiving the attunement and care that he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being, he would have stayed stuck. Most likely, his mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, which caused her to become emotionally shut down and unfeeling. She was then an adult but as she needed a parent, she unconsciously made her son into a parental figure. A Big Impact A time when he needed to receive ended up being a time when he was forced to give. To handle being deprived, a number of his needs and feelings would have ended up being repressed, with him developing a discounted and out-directed, false self. At an emotional level, as he missed out on what he needed and his mother treated him as though he was an extension of herself, he won’t realise that he is separate from her. And, as he was egocentric, he will believe that there is something inherently wrong with himself and his needs and feelings. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to emotionally grow up, separate from his mother, and feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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