Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Wouldn’t A Woman Be Able To See That A Mother-Enmeshed Man Is Unavailable?

For a number of weeks or months, a woman may have been with a man who is overly focused on his mother. Then again, she might have been in this position for over a year.

Either way, as a result of this, he is not going to have much time for himself, let alone have much time for her. So, if she has been in this position for a number of weeks or months, she is likely to be frustrated, but if she has been in this position for even longer, she could be well and truly fed up.

External Feedback

Throughout the time that she has been with him, she might have spoken to one or a number of her trusted friends about what is going on in this area of her life. And, when she has spoken to a trusted friend about this, they might have been very supportive and understanding.

Also, they might have said that, in one way or another, based on how he is behaving, he is emotionally unavailable and out of reach. In their eyes, then, he won’t be in a position where he is able to have an intimate relationship.

Two Outcomes

After she has had a conversation like this, she might not have agreed with what she had been told, or she might have agreed with what she had been told, but could soon go back to how she was before. In any case, what she has been told won’t have had much of an impact on her.

Consequently, regardless of how frustrated and fed up she is or what other people say to her, she is likely to continue to live in the hope that he will change sooner or later. Now, this is not to say that she won’t have moments when she is able to see what is going on clearly.

A Minimal Impact

However, even if she does have moments where she is able to see clearly and perhaps wonder why she doesn’t just cut her ties with him, this won’t be enough to change her life. It will be a bit like when someone has the idea of trying something new and thinks about doing it briefly, but soon forgets about it and carries on with their life.

Assuming that this is what takes place, it will be as though, at times, a small part of her is able to face reality, but that a bigger, stronger part of her is unable to face reality. This is why the moments of clarity that she experiences are not enough to change her behaviour.

Inner Conflict

If she were to become aware of how she has moments of clarity, but these moments don’t have much of an impact on her and she is behaving in a way that is not serving her, she can wonder what is going on. She can wonder why she can’t both experience and maintain the clarity that arises and simply cut her ties with him.
 
Nonetheless, as confusing as this is likely to be, there is a strong chance that her brain is stopping her from being able to fully face reality in order to protect her. Yet, as living in this way is causing her to suffer, this might be hard for her to accept.

Closer Look

To another, deeper part of her, that man that she is with can represent her mother and/or father that she had as a child, and she can be trying to be loved by them. Of course, this stage of her life is over, and the man that she is with is not her mother or father, but this other part of her has no sense of time and is blind.

Therefore, it won’t be able to accept that the man she is with is not her mother or father and that this stage of her life is over. If this part of her were to accept this, it would cause her to come into contact with a lot of pain and her unmet developmental needs.

Going Deeper

At this point, what can enter her mind is why she is still looking for her mother’s and/or father's love and why she is carrying so much pain. Still, as confusing as this is likely to be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might soon make sense.

This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If this is the case, she would have missed out on the attunement, care and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One option

To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs, which would have also caused her to lose touch with her connected true self and form a disconnected false self. Additionally, she would have also lived in the hope that, if she became who they wanted her to be and did what they wanted, she would be loved.

But, as her mother and/or mother were probably unable to provide her with the love that she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did. Even so, this futile struggle would have served as a secondary defence that allowed her to keep it together and function.

He present day

Needless to say, this stage of their life will be over, but as she is still carrying the developmental needs that were not met and the pain that she experienced, she will unconsciously project the mother and/or father that she needed into the man that she is with. For her to be able to see the man that she is with clearly and for her brain to no longer have the need to deceive her, she will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience.

What this will do is allow her to become a more integrated human being, who is no longer being driven by the need to recreate and resolve her depriving childhood. Her conscious and unconscious mind will start to want the same thing.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk