Mother-Enmeshed Men: Would A Woman Be Happy If A Mother-Enmeshed Man Became Available?

For a little while now, a woman may have been with a man who is overly focused on his mother. Thanks to how caught up he is with her needs, he might seldom be physically, let alone emotionally, available.

If so, a lot of his time and energy will be directed toward his mother, leaving him with very little time or energy for himself or his partner. In a way, it can be as if he is in an intimate relationship not one but two women.

Fed Up

The woman is then going to be with a man who doesn’t have a great deal of time for her. But, although he might seldom if ever be available physically and often be absent emotionally, she might have given a lot and continue to give a lot to him.

Moreover, over the weeks, months and perhaps years that they have been together, she might have also tried to help him break away from his mother. For example, she might have looked into what he could do to implement boundaries and spend less time doing things for her.

A Waste of Time

Yet, irrespective of what she has done, his behaviour might not have really changed. Assuming this is so, there can be moments when he is more available than he was before but he can still be caught up in his mother’s world.

She could then be at the stage where she has had enough of being with a man who is so caught up with his mother. But, as she will have given a lot but not received a great deal back, this is to be expected.

Washed Out

What is going on might have taken so much from her that other areas of her life are not going well. This is because she might not have the energy to fully show up and be at her best in these areas.

Consequently, she might question if it is time for her to cut her ties with him and move on. Still, a big part of her could hope that, if she hangs in there, he will change and they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship.

One Question

At this point, it will be clear that she wants him to draw the line with his mother and be available physically and emotionally. If this wasn’t the case, what is going on wouldn’t bother her.

However, what if, deep down, being with a man who is not available is what feels comfortable? Therefore, if he were to become available, she would end up having the need to pull away.

One Response

After hearing this, she could say that this is not true and that she would be pleased if he were to change. Yet, if she were to go deep inside herself, she may find that there is another part of her that is not aligned with what she wants at a conscious level.

For her to find out about what is going on for her at a deeper level, she can imagine that she is with a man who is available and see what enters her conscious awareness. What this will do is allow her to connect to what is taking place inside her unconscious mind.

Two parts

What this illustrates is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind, or conscious sense of herself. Along with this part of her, there is her unconscious mind, and this part of her is bigger and far more impactful.

At first, when she imagines being with a man who is available, she might feel relieved and grateful, but, as time passes, she might end up feeling anxious and fearful and have the need to get away from him. If this is the case, she could wonder why this is.

A Closer Look

What might enter her mind is that there is no reason for her to feel this way and that how she feels is ‘irrational’. Even so, if she were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for her during her formative years, she might soon understand why she is this way.

This stage of her life may have been a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

The Outcome

Irrespective of what happened, she wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to one or both of her parents and this would have caused her to be greatly wounded and deeply deprived. She would have believed that she was worthless and unlovable and come to associate human closeness as something that was a threat to her survival.

In reality, how she was treated was a reflection of how wounded one or both of her parents were. But, as she was egocentric, how one or two people behaved was seen as a reflection of her worth and lovability and how everyone would behave.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, the man that she is with will be an externalisation of the part of her that doesn’t feel worthy of or comfortable with intimacy. For her to change her life, then, she will need to face and integrate this repressed part of her.

To do this, she is likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk