Mother-Enmeshed Men: Would Wouldn’t A Mother-Enmeshed Man Be Able To Accept That He Is Enmeshed?

A man can not only be overly focused on his mother, but he can also be oblivious to how caught up he is in her world. However, even if this was pointed out, it doesn’t mean that he would be able to see clearly.

If, then, he were to end up dating a woman and she were able to see what was going on, she might not get very far. As she is on the outside and perhaps has been in this position before, it could be obvious to her.

Out of reach

But if she were to talk to him about what she sees, he could deny what she says. He might even accuse her of having something against his mother and trying to remove her from his life.

He might say that he loves his mother and will always be there for her, or something similar. Based on how he behaves, it will be as if she is just trying to undermine him, as opposed to helping him.

The next Stage

After this, she could feel frustrated and hurt, and as though she was being accused of something that was not true. Still, she might believe that if she tries a different approach, she might be able to get through to him.

Assuming that this is the case, she might start off by saying that she cares about him and doesn’t want him to turn his back on himself or his mother. She could say that he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and that this takes a lot out of him.

The Same outcome

Once again, what she says might not have much of an impact. That’s not to say that he won’t agree with anything that she says this time, but that’s as far as it might go, and he could continue to behave in the same way.

At this point, it might be clear to her that he doesn’t want to face reality, and so, no matter what she says or does, he won’t change. If this is what she concludes, she could soon cut her ties with him.

The Other Side

If this is what happens, even if he is greatly impacted by the breakup, he could largely carry on as normal. He will then continue to ignore himself and to do what he can to be there for and meet his mother’s needs.

After a while, he might even look into information that talks about enmeshment and men who are overly focused on their mothers, but what he is exposed to might not reach him. Instead, he could, for example, think about how this is a made-up term and is a way to pathologise men who care about their mothers.

A Strange Scenario

Taking all this into account, it can seem strange how a man could have turned his back on himself and be overly focused on his mother, and yet, not be able to see this. After all, the evidence will be right in front of his eyes.

Moreover, at least one woman will have pointed out what is going on, and he might have had at least one friend who has done the same thing. One way of looking at this would be to say that he is simply choosing to be in denial.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, most likely, it is not that he is choosing to block out reality; it is that his brain is preventing him from being able to face it. His brain will then stop him from seeing what is right in front of his eyes.

Also, his brain will stop him from coming into contact with the feelings and needs that would shed light on how he is out of balance and has abandoned himself. It can then seem as though he is brain is doing what it can to harm him.

One purpose

In reality, his brain is not doing what it can to harm him; it is doing what it can to ensure that he is able to keep it together and function. If, then, he were to face up to what is going on externally and internally, his conscious mind would be flooded with pain.

This would undermine his ability to keep it together and function. The inner material that is being repressed by his brain is likely to be primarily the result of what took place during his formative years and the impact it had on him.

Back In Time

From a very young age, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement, care, affection, validation and support that he needed. Along with this, his mother is likely to have used him to meet a number of her needs.

He would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, which would have caused him to gradually lose touch with his connected, feeling and inner-directed true self.

Self-Alienation

In its place would have been the formation of a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also hoped that, by becoming who she wanted and doing what she wanted, she would be there for him and meet his needs.

But as she was likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to provide him with the love that he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. On the plus side, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to handle what was going on.

Moving Forward

Considering this, it makes sense that he would have a strong need to block out his outer and inner reality. He will be carrying years of pain and unmet developmental needs, and like when he was a boy, being there for her will serve as a secondary defence that helps him to release tension and stop his conscious mind from being flooded with this inner material.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk