Mother-Enmeshed Women: What Is A Mother-Enmeshed Woman?

​What a woman may find, if she were to step back and reflect on her life, is that even though she is a grown woman, she doesn’t act like one. Instead, she is more like a little girl who is dependent on her mother and incapable of living her own life.

This could mean that she still lives with her mother or it might not, but, either way, she won’t be able to freely express herself and live her own life. She is likely to find that she has a strong need to please her mother.

One Focus

So, she can spend a lot of time thinking about her needs and doing things for her. It will then be as if her mother’s needs are more important than her own needs and it is her responsibility to take care of them.

Her mother is then going to be like a child who is unable to meet her own needs and thus, it is up to her to make sure they are met. Naturally, this is going to cause her to give a lot to her mother, whilst receiving very little in return.

Another part

And, even though it won’t be her responsibility to take care of her mother’s needs and make sure that she doesn’t suffer in any way, her mother can expect her to be there for her. Due to this, if she is unable to be there for her, her mother can do what she can to make her feel guilty.

It will then be hard for her to be there for herself and when she is, she will be guilt-tripped. She will then have done the right thing by putting herself first, but it will be as if she has done something wrong.

A Low Place

After this, she can feel very low and the voice inside her head can end up being very critical. As a result, she can end up apologising to her mother and doing what she can to please her.

Still, while part of her will feel comfortable again after she is back in her mother’s good books, another part of her can feel frustrated and angry. This part of her can be fed up of abandoning herself and being focused on her mother.

Entangled

But, as she will be a separate human being who has her own needs, feelings and life to lead and she is behaving as if she is an extension of her mother, this is to be expected. To use an analogy; it will be as though there is an invisible cord that attaches her to her mother.

Her mother then pulls this cord whenever she wants something and is also able to influence her emotional state through it. She is going to want to draw the line with her mother and no longer allow her inner state to be defined by her.

Confusion

However, although she will want to implement boundaries and live her own life, what takes place when she does will stop her from being able to take these steps. She can find that in addition to feeling guilty, she also feels ashamed and experiences fear and anxiety.

Therefore, not only will she be doing something wrong by putting herself first and no longer being as accessible to her mother, but her survival will also be under threat. It is then not a surprise that she experiences so much resistance and can’t just change her behaviour.

External Feedback

If she were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on for her, she could be told that she is not responsible for her mother and has to live her own life. This friend might also point out that, as her ability to empathise is so well-developed, this causes her to be caught up with what is going on for her mother and to ignore herself.

After this, she could see that she automatically attunes to her mother’s needs and ends up overlooking her own. This is then not going to be something that she consciously chooses to do; it just happens.

What’s going on?

At this point, she could wonder why focusing on her mother feels comfortable and focusing on herself feels uncomfortable. She might see that she has been this way for as long as she can remember.

If she were to think about what it was like during her formative years, she might remember that this was a stage of her life when he mother was generally self-absorbed and emotionally unstable. From a very young age, then, she would have been sucked into her mother’s world and had the need to attune to her.

A Tough Time

As her mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach, this would have caused her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. She would have had to act like a mother at a stage of her life when she needed a mother.

And, as her mother was so unstable, she would have been forced to develop her ability to put herself in another person’s shoes. This would have been a way for her to avoid being on the receiving end of one of her outbursts and to try to please her.

The Outcome

Most likely, her mother had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and couldn’t provide her with the love that she needed. Anyway, to handle being deprived and wounded at this stage, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

This would have involved her losing touch with her connected true self and developing a disconnected and out-directed false self. She would have come to believe, as she was egocentric, that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was unworthy and unlovable, that she was here to meet her mother’s needs and was responsible for her happiness.

The Truth

In reality, her needs and feelings are not bad, she is not unworthy or unlovable, she is not here to meet her mother’s needs, and is not responsible for her happiness. For her to realise this, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life she might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk