Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Attracted To Emotionally Unstable Women If He Had An Emotionally Unstable Mother?

If a man is in a relationship, when he is around his girlfriend, he could find that he has the tendency to be on edge, to be focused on her moods and to do what he can to please her. This can be because she is often emotionally unstable and unpredictable.
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Thus, by not relaxing around her, being on high alert, and doing what he can to tune into and meet her needs, he can hope that this will stop her from exploding. Or, at the very least, that he is ready if this does take place.

A Lot to Deal With

He might have been with her for a number of weeks, months or even years, but either way, it is likely to be taking its toll on him. What he may find is that when he doesn’t feel anxious and fearful, he feels exhausted.

This can be how he feels when he is not in her company, and he starts to settle down. But, as he will be giving a lot when he is around her, while receiving very little, this is to be expected.

An Analogy

Instead of being with a woman who adds to his life overall, he will be with a woman who takes more than she gives. He is then going to be like a fireman who is constantly putting out fires but who seldom gets the chance to relax and recharge.

And, due to how tense he is when he is around her, even when she is not unsettled, he can find that he is unable to settle. Due to this, the sustenance that he needs will rarely be on offer, but even when it is, he won’t be able to take it in.

External Feedback

As a result of what is taking place in this area of his life, then, other areas of his life are also likely to be affected. So, it can be hard for him to focus when he is at work, and he might not be very present when he is around friends or family.

If a trusted friend is aware of what is going on for him, this friend could be very supportive. They could say that he is with a woman who is not right for him and that he needs to cut his ties with her, or words to that effect.

The Next Stage

After this conversation, he could think about what his friend had said and conclude that this is what he needs to do for his own sanity. He can see that if he doesn’t, he will feel worse and his life will only get worse, which it will make it harder for him to cut his ties with her.

Assuming that this is what takes place, it can take a while before he is able to settle down and return to his former self. Once he does, he can wonder who he ended up with a woman who was like this.

A Closer Look

He might see that, in the beginning, he was able to attach to her, but as time passed, this attachment was soon severed, and he went into protection mode. This would have stopped him from being able to freely express himself and caused him to play a role.

If he were to look back on his life, he may see that this is the first time he has been with a woman like this. Then again, he might see that he has been with at least one other woman who was like this.

One Conclusion

If this is the case, he might conclude that this is just what women are like. He will then have two choices: he has a relationship and tolerates this type of behaviour, or he stays single and protects himself.

However, what if this is not just what women are like; what if it is just that he ends up with women who are deeply traumatised? At this point, he might dismiss this, or he could wonder why this is so.

Going Deeper

If he is open-minded and is curious about why this is, it will give him the opportunity to get to the root of why his life is this way. There is a strong chance that the women he is drawn to are very similar to what his mother was like during his formative years.

Throughout his stage of his life, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and often been emotionally unstable and even verbally and physically abusive. Consequently, he wouldn’t have been able to attach to her and freely express himself; he would have kept her at a distance and done what he could to settle her down or avoid her outbursts.

A Brutal Time

Therefore, instead of staying connected to his body and being aware of his needs and feelings, his true self, he would have had to disconnect from his body and his needs and feelings, and, thereby, create a false self. A stage of his life, then, when he needed to receive to grow and develop in the right way, was a time when he had to do his best to survive.

As for his father, he might not have been around, or he might have largely been absent and even ensured that he pleased his mother. If the latter had taken place, his father wouldn’t have provided him with the protection and support that he needed.

Its Over

What took place at this stage of his life will be over, of course, but, thanks to the impact this stage of his life had on him, he won’t have fully moved on. In addition to him leaving his body, what he came to believe, the pain that this caused him to experience and repress, deep down, he will still be living in the hope that, if he pleases his mother, she will love him.

The women he is drawn to won't be his mother, but as a big part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise this. This part of him will then cause him to be drawn to women who are similar to his mother in the hope that he will finally be loved.

Moving Forward

But, as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it will be too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on. With this in mind, for him to gradually move on from what happened and get back into his body, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk