Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Attracted To Women Who Will Betray Him If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Recently, a man may have found out that the woman he is in a relationship with has cheated on him. Then again, he might have found out that she is having an affair and that this has been going on for a little while.

Alternatively, he might have told her something and asked her to keep it to herself, only for her to share it with another or others. Or, he might have opened up to her about how he is feeling or something that he went through as a child and instead of being supported, she might have ended up criticising him or become distant. 

A Big Decision

As a result of what has happened, he could wonder what he needs to do next. On the one hand, he might want to cut his ties with her and walk away, and, on the other, he might want to work things out.

However, the woman he is with might no longer want to be with him and she could end up ending their relationship. If this is the case, he will either be pleased with what takes place, or he won’t.

One outcome

Now, if it does come to an end, regardless of whether he’s the one who ends it, he could be in a very bad way. There can be moments when he is filled with anger, rage and hate, and, other moments when he feels very low and even suicidal.

He can spend a lot of time thinking about what happened and trying to get his head around it. A big part of him might also struggle to accept that his relationship has come to an end and he is now single.

A natural Outcome

But, if he was in a relationship that appeared to be going well or was going well until something happened, this is to be expected. He might have even believed that he was with a woman who he would spend the rest of his life with.

So, thanks to what is going on for him, he might find it hard to concentrate when he is at work and he might not feel like doing much. He could then go to work and only leave his home when he needs to.

External Feedback

If he has one or a few close male friends, he could tell them about what is going on. This could end up being a time when he is told that this is just what women are like and that they can’t be trusted.

If this is what takes place, he could agree with what they say, and he might end up coming to the conclusion that he is better off alone. What can play a part in this, if he does come to this conclusion, is that he might have been in this position before.

The Same Old Story

Before the last relationship that he was in, he might have been in another relationship that suddenly ended. The woman may have cheated or had an affair, or she might have shared something with another that she shouldn’t have shared, or criticised him for opening up or becoming distant after he did.

And, before he was in this relationship, he might have been in another relationship where something very similar happened. If this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise if he believes that the experiences that he has had with a few women are a reflection of what all women are like.

A Common occurrence

Still, if he went to a few restaurants and they were not very good, he probably wouldn’t conclude that all restaurants are bad. Or, if he tried a few pairs of shoes and they were uncomfortable, he probably also wouldn’t conclude that all shoes are uncomfortable.

The trouble is that when a relationship comes to an end, a lot will be going on for him at an emotional level, which will make it harder for him to think clearly. With his thinking brain partly if not fully offline, he will resort to generalising an entire sex.
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Another part

Additionally, by putting all women in the same box, he also won’t need to look at what part he may have played in what happened. Therefore, being this way will serve as a defence that protects his sense of self.

At this point, he could say that he played no part in what happened in his last relationship or any of the other relationships that he has been in, assuming that this is a pattern. He could say that, on each occasion, he was essentially the victim and the woman was the perpetrator.

A Closer Look

Nonetheless, although it may seem as if he just happened to have these experiences, what if there is more to it? What if he unconsciously created what happened?

After hearing this, he could say that this is not possible and could feel very angry. Yet, what he will need to keep in mind is that he doesn’t begin and end with his conscious mind or conscious sense of self.

Going Deeper

Along with this part of him, he also has an unconscious mind. This hidden part of him contains pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of himself that he has rejected, among other things.

If he is carrying a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs in this part of him, it could show that his early years were not very nurturing. For example, this may have been a stage of his life when his mother was anything but nurturing and may have often been abusive

A Brutal Time

Being criticised, humiliated, rejected and left would then have been a normal part of his childhood. He would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. But, even though his need to be loved by his mother was rarely if ever met, and it was likely that she was unable to provide him with what he needed, this need wouldn’t have been neutralised.

A Big Impact

From outside of his conscious awareness, this need would have continued to influence his behaviour. Many years will have passed since he was a boy, of course, but he will still be looking for his mother’s love.

This part of him will cause him to unconsciously recreate situations that are very similar to what it was like for him as a boy in the hope that he will finally be loved. What this shows is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind; it then won't realise that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on and that a woman is not his mother.

Moving Forward

Also, even if it wasn’t too late and another woman could give him what he missed out on, as he continually recreates situations where he is deprived, it won’t matter. For him to change this area of his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet development needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk