Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Drawn To Women Who Are Out Of Reach If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

Over the years, a man may have been with a number of women who he was unable to get close to. So, he may have been with at least one woman who was already in a relationship and he was having an affair with.

Along with this, he may have been with at least one woman who lived a long way away or in another country. Once again, he would have only been able to get so close to her.

Another Scenario

Then again, he might have had a few relationships with women who were seldom physically or emotionally available. In this case, the women wouldn’t have been in another relationship and they would have lived close by but he wouldn’t have been able to get close to them.

These women might have often been too busy to see him and often been emotionally distant when he was with them. Therefore, they may have well been in another relationship and lived in another country as he wouldn’t have been able to get close to them.

A Closer Look

Assuming that he can relate to the second scenario, he is likely to be at the stage where he has had enough of experiencing life in this way. However, even though this is likely to be the case, he might not believe that this area of his life will ever change.

But, if this is how his life has been for as long as he can remember, this is to be expected. There will be no reason for him to believe that his life can be any different.

Another part

What can play a part in this is that he can believe that this is just what women are like. Therefore, if he were to change himself, this area of his life wouldn’t go in a different direction.

If he has ‘improved’ himself over the years, this will also play a part in why he believes that this area of his life won’t change. He will then have done the ‘right’ things, only for his life to stay the same.

Another Angle

What will be clear, at this point, is that there is what he wants and then, there is what he receives. Now, although, he can believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue, there might be more to it.

There is a chance that another part of him is causing him to be drawn to women who are not available. After hearing this, he could say that this is not true as this is what he wants, or something similar.

Two Levels

Nonetheless, what he will need to keep in mind is that he doesn’t begin with his conscious mind or conscious sense of himself. In addition to this part of him, he also has an unconscious mind.

This other, hidden part of him is far bigger and more impactful than the other part of him. This part of him contains feelings, unmet developmental needs, adult needs, and rejected parts of himself, among other things.

Going Deeper

With this in mind, as he wants one thing but is receiving something else, it is likely to show that this other part of him wants something else. This part of him can be looking for the love that he missed out on during his formative years.

The reason for this is that this stage of his life may have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. His mother might have largely been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Brutal Time

This would have stopped him from being able to attach to her and receive the emotional nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

This would have also involved him losing touch with his embodied, true self, and forming a disconnected, false self. His need to be loved by her wouldn’t have been neutralised, even though she wasn’t able to love him and he lost touch with this need; though; he would have continued to try to be loved by her.

A Defence

Trying to receive something that wasn’t available would have also been a way for him to keep his true feelings and needs at bay. He would then have been trying to receive something that wasn’t on offer, but it would have been too much for him to face reality.

Many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy who needed his mother’s love but, a big part of him won’t have moved on. This part of him will still be looking for the love that he missed out on.

The Same Old Story

The trouble is that as it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on and another woman is not his mother, not to mention that he will be unconsciously drawn to women who are out of reach, he will be deprived all over again. Moreover, the needs that can be met by a woman will also be unmet.

For him to change this area of his life, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk