Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Emotionally Withdrawn Around A Woman If His Mother Was Abusive?

At this point in time, a man may be in a relationship that is not going well. The main reason for this is that he might find that it is not possible for him to be connected to how he feels when he is with his girlfriend.

If so, when he is with her, he will lose touch with how he feels. He will then be aware of his thoughts but he won’t be aware of what is going on for him at an emotional level.

A Confusing Time

Thanks to this, he could struggle to understand what is going on. Furthermore, his girlfriend is also likely to wonder why he is this way.

One thing that might have crossed her mind is that he is not into her and that she needs to end the relationship. Yet, if they have been together for a little while, it could be said that this is to be expected.

A Closer Look

So, by not being connected to how he feels when he is around her, he is likely to come across as distant. He will then be physically there but his girlfriend won’t be able to feel his presence and emotionally connect to him.

She can then feel rejected and insecure and as though he would rather be somewhere else and even with another woman. The outcome of this is that, over time, she might have also pulled away emotionally in order to protect herself.

Trying To Reach Him

And, if she has said that he seems distant and consumed with something else, he might have dismissed what she has said. Then again, he might not have said anything, with him going silent.

The time might soon arrive when she has had enough and ends up breaking up with him. Naturally, being with a man like this is going to have a negative impact on her, so she won’t want to live like this for much longer.

The Other Side

If she were to end their relationship, he could end up taking a closer look into why he is this way. This can be a time when he will think about how he is when he first meets a woman and how he is when he gets closer to her.

At first, he can see that he is, to some extent, connected to how he feels but, as time passes, he automatically loses touch with how he feels. He then doesn’t choose to be this way, it just happens.

One conclusion

What might enter his mind at this stage is that there is something inherently wrong with them. But, as he won’t believe that there is a reason for him to respond on this way, this is not a surprise.

Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his early years, he might gradually realise why he is this way. This may have been a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing.

Back In Time

His mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

No Other Way

This would have meant that he lost touch with his connected, true self and developed a disconnected, false self. If he wasn’t powerless and dependent, he would have been able to change his mother or find another mother.

But, as this wasn’t an option, he had to lose touch with how he felt and go into a shut down state. Additionally, the view that he formed of what a woman is like would have largely been defined by how his mother behaved.

A Negative Inner Model

He probably came to believe that a woman is a threat to his survival and needs to keep his distance to survive. Undoubtedly, he wouldn’t have formed a very positive view of a woman.

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but, when he gets close to a woman, a big part of him won’t realise this. To this part of him, another woman will be his mother and thus, she will be a threat.

A Replay

Like then, he will automatically lose touch with his emotional self and go into a disconnected state to ensure his survival.  What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can't accept that this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother.

For him to stay connected to his emotional self and operate as a whole human being when he develops a closer connection to a woman, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk