Mother Wounds: Can A Man Believe That Women Hate Him If He Had An Abusive Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, he may find that he generally doesn’t feel comfortable when he is around women. So, he could he could typically feel anxious and find it hard it relax.

As a result of this, he is rarely, if ever, going to fully show up when he is around women.  And, as he is like this around women, this is likely to be what he is like around a woman in most cases.  

One Area

Thanks to what he is like, he might not have even dated, let alone, been in a relationship with a woman. He might have only had casual encounters with women, or he might not have even had these experiences.

Then again, he might have dated a number of women and even been in a number of relationships. Along with this, he might have also had a number of casual encounters.

One Reality

If he has, at the very least, dated, the experiences that he has had might not have been very life-affirming. Instead, he might have been with a number of women who didn’t treat him very well.

These women might have been emotionally out of reach, verbally and even physically abusive. When he thinks about how these women treated him, what might enter his mind is that they didn’t like him and did just about everything they could to undermine him.

A Gradual Process

After his time with each of these women came to an end, it might have taken him a while to get back on his feet. This is because he is likely to have felt very low and not had much energy.

Due to what he has been through, he might believe that it is best for him to stay single. This won’t allow him to meet certain needs, but what it will do is stop him from being undermined by a woman.

One Viewpoint

Thanks to the experiences that he has had with the women that he has been with and the experiences that he has had with women, it is not going to be a surprise if he has this outlook. He won’t have had any experiences or won’t have had any that stand out, where a woman has been on his side and his ally as opposed to his enemy.

It would then be a surprise if he had a different outlook and didn’t have the need to keep his distance. However, there could come a point when he starts to wonder why his life is this way and looks deeper.

The Catalyst

This could take place after he has an experience with a woman who is different, or he has come into contact with a couple who are in a loving and harmonious relationship. Either way, he will see that there is another reality and that his reality is not the only reality there is.

But, even if he has an experience that has a big impact on him, he can question if this area of his life will ever change. However, if he generally hasn’t been treated well by women, this is to be expected.

Going Deeper

At this point, he might believe that in order for this area of his life to change, what is going on externally needs to change. This is because he won’t want to be mistreated by women in general or by a woman that he is dating.

But, although it may seem as though what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue, there is a chance that there is more to it. There is a chance that a big part of him feels comfortable being treated badly by a woman.

Back In Time

He might find this hard to accept, but if he were to reflect on his early years, he might gradually understand why this is. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was anything but nurturing.

His mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and she might have been verbally and even physically abusive. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Two Parts

To handle being deprived and the suffering this caused him, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This wouldn’t have stopped what happened, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the pain that he was in and allowed him to keep it together and function.

Additionally, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. Thus, he wouldn’t have been able to accept that how his mother treated him wasn’t personal and wasn’t a reflection of what all women were like.

The Truth

Most likely, his mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. It was then not that he was worthless and unlovable; it was that she was not in a good way and couldn’t love him.

Another part of this is that his need to be loved by her wouldn’t have been neutralised; it would have stayed inside him. The part of him that still wants to be loved by his mother will cause him to be unconsciously pulled to women who are very similar to her in the hope that he will be loved.

Drawing the Line

This part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that it is too late for him to receive this love and that another woman is not his mother. There is then going to be the impact that his beliefs and his need to receive the love that he missed out on have.

With this in mind, for his life to change, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. 

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk