Mother Wounds: Can A Man Feel Comfortable With One-Sided Relationships If He Had A Self-Absorbed Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may find is that he has the tendency to be in relationships that are out of balance. These will then be relationships where he is giving a lot but receiving very little.

Thanks to what they have been like, he could be well and truly fed up and even question if he wants to be in another relationship. To part of him, staying single could be the only way for him to avoid ending up in this position again.

How It Was

So, if he were to think about his last relationship, what may soon stand out is that this was a time when he would usually listen to his girlfriend but seldom if ever be hard. It might have been as though she had two mouths and one ear.

As a result of this, he is likely to have spent a lot of time being there for her but not received much support from her. Thus, he would have been more like her parent than her equal.

On Direction

Along with this, he might have continually changed his own plans to be there for her and do what she wanted. Yet, his girlfriend might have seldom if ever done the same for him.

As he gave a lot but received very little, he is likely to have soon felt resentful and drained. If he was a selfless human being, it would have been possible for him to live in this way and not suffer.

Stepping Back

But, as he is a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings, this is not possible. At this point, he could believe that he just ended up in this position, or he could see that how he behaved in the beginning set him up to have this experience.

So, what he could see is that he focused on her needs and overlooked his own from the start. And, if she ever focused on his needs, he might have soon directed the focus back on her needs.

Another Scenario

Then again, she might have seldom even considered his needs, with her simply enjoying having him focused on her needs. There would then have been no need for him the redirect the attention back to her at times, as it would have more or less always been on here.

If this was the case, it could be said that she was very caught up with her own needs and didn’t think about his needs. In fact, it might not have even occurred to her that he had needs and wasn’t simply an extension of her.

What’s going on?

But, with that aside, he would wonder why he was so focused on her needs at the beginning, let alone as time passed. What he may see is that this is something that automatically took place.

It was then not something that he thought-through and then chose to implement. After this, he could wonder why he overlooks his own needs and abandons himself when he is with a woman.

A Closer Look

For him to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, it will be a good idea for him to use his imagination. What he can do is imagine that he is with a woman and instead of turning his back on himself; he stays connected to and expresses his own needs.

At first, he might feel comfortable with what is going on and be pleased that he is not ignoring himself. But, as time passes, he could end up feeling very uncomfortable.

A Deeper Look

If he were to stay with this discomfort, he could find that he fears that he will be rejected and abandoned. This will show that a big part of him believes that he has to focus on a woman’s needs and ignore himself for a woman to stay with him and this is the only way for him to survive.

Now, it could be said that this is irrational as there are women who are not self-centred and his survival doesn’t depend on him pleasing a woman. However, if his early years are taken into account, what is going on for him might soon make sense.

Back In Time

During his formative years, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Moreover, it might not have truly occurred to her that her son was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings.

The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to and bond with her and he would have had to focus on her needs. Therefore, she wouldn’t have adapted to him, he would have had to adapt to her.

A Brutal Time

This would have meant that he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

As he had to adapt to her, he would have lost touch with his connected and embodied self, and end up with a disconnected, disembodied and outer-directed false self. Being there for her and meeting her needs would have been a way for him to not only avoid being rejected and abandoned but also a way for him to try to be loved.

A Continuation

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but a big part of him will be frozen in time and still be looking for the love that he missed out on. As this part is blind and has no sense of time, it won’t realise that another woman is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on.

For him to change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk