Mother Wounds: Can A Man Feel Disconnected If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

If a man reflects on his life, what he can find is that he often feels as though he is on the outside and doesn’t feel connected to others. This can mean that he will spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

But, if he doesn’t feel this way, it can typically be because he has distracted himself. So, by watching something, drinking or exercising, for instance, he won’t be aware of how he feels.

Another option

Then again, this can be because he is spending time with one or a number of friends. This can be a time when he does feel connected but once he is by himself, he could soon return to how he felt before.

If there have been moments when he has felt connected and this experience has lasted, it could be a sign that he was dating or in a relationship with a woman. This would then have been a time when he had a very different experience.

A Priority

Consequently, he could have a strong need to be with a woman as this will be seen as the only thing that will allow him to feel connected. Due to how strong this need is, he might not be overly discerning when it comes to the woman that he will allow into his life.

Sooner or later, he could meet a woman who he is attracted to and end up dating her, and this might lead to a relationship being formed. Either way, it can be as if his life has been completely transformed.

A Different Season

If at one point it felt as though it was the winter, it can now feel as though it is the summer. In addition to feeling connected, he can feel valued and loved, and this can cause him to feel greatly relieved and grateful.

However, this experience might only last for very long as the woman that he is with could start to become distant. If this is the case, to stop himself from feeling cut off, he could do what he can do to bring her closer.

Two Extremes

But, this might not work, and it might not be long until she ends up calling it a day. At first, he might not be able to accept this and could struggle to get her back.

Once he realises that this is not going to work, he could look for another woman to be with. If this doesn’t work, he might not be long until he falls into a very deep emotional hole.

Rock Bottom

This can be a time when he will feel totally isolated and alone. He can feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, rejected and as if he has been abandoned.

Thanks to the pain that he is in and his inability to see a way forward, he might contemplate ending his life. This will show that he is in a very bad way and can’t just think his way out of what is going on.

A Pattern

If he were able to take a step and think about what is going on, he could find that this is not the first time that this has taken place. He could find that he has had this experience on a number of occasions.

Therefore, he will feel like he is on the outside when he doesn’t have a woman in his life and this will change when he does have a woman in his life. Based on this, it will be as if he is missing something.

What’s going on?

When he is with a woman, what he is missing will be provided and he will be able to feel whole and complete, in addition to feeling connected. However, what if he is not missing anything and is engaging in something called projection?

What this can show is that he is in an emotionally underdeveloped state and is unconsciously placing his mother into a woman. He will then feel like a dependent boy and when he is with a woman, a big part of him will believe that he is finally receiving the love that he is likely to have missed out on as a child.
​
The Meaning

At a conscious level, it will be clear that another woman is not his mother, but at a deeper level, he won’t realise this. This is why this other part of him will look toward a woman to try to meet the developmental needs that were not met all those years ago.

During his early years, he might have had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Being ignored, rejected and alone would have been a normal part of his childhood.

The outcome

This would have greatly wounded and deeply deprived him. But, as he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t change his mother or find a mother who was able to love him.

His only option was to gradually lose touch with how he felt and a number of his needs and lose touch with his body. This wouldn’t have stopped what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being aware of the pain that he was in and the needs that were not being met.

The Truth

Not being able to attach to and bond with his mother would have meant that he was alone. Yet, now that he is an adult, the sense of aloneness that he experiences is an illusion.

And, even if he is with a woman and no longer feels alone, this is still an illusion. For him to be able to feel connected and not just for his true feelings to be pushed out of his conscious awareness, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk