Mother Wounds: Can A Man Find It Hard To Attach To A Woman If His Mother Was Emotionally Unavailable?

After a man has been dating a woman for a little while, he can become emotionally attached to her. However, while part of him can feel comfortable with this, another part of him can feel very uncomfortable.

If this other part of him is not as strong, it might not stop him from being able to go in the same direction. But, if it is a lot stronger, it can stop him from being able to go in the same direction.

One Outcome

So, if this part of him is very strong and he is not consciously aware of what is going on, he can end up pulling away. What he can be aware of is that he feels uncomfortable and needs some space.

This can then mean that he won’t be as talkative or spend as much time around her. At a conscious level, he can justify this behaviour by saying that things are moving too fast and even that he is not sure if the woman is not right for him.

Confusion

Due to what is going on, the woman can wonder what is going on and do her best to find out why he has changed his behaviour. If she were to do this, this could cause him to become even more unavailable.

Either way, he could say that he is just busy and that they will have to get together soon, for instance. She might accept that he has a lot going on right now and be patient.

Another outcome

Conversely, this can be a time when she will feel rejected and question if he is even into her. She could then end up feeling very low, which can make it hard for her to function.

What this can illustrate is that what is going on has unlocked unresolved emotional wounds from her childhood. Thanks to this, it won’t cross her mind that he might have pulled away because of his own issues.

The next Stage

Anyway, after a while, the man could end up cutting his ties with her and it might not be long until he finds himself in the same position. If this were to take place, he might take a step back and reflect on what is going on.

He could see that this was not the first time that this has happened and believe that how he feels is irrational. He could believe that there are no guarantees that he won’t be hurt but that he can’t allow his fears to stop him from being able to experience intimacy.

Inner Conflict

However, as irrational as his feelings and instincts may appear to be if he were able to go back in time, to his formative years, he might see that this is not the case. He might see that the experience that he has when he starts to become emotionally close to a woman is how he felt all those years ago.

This stage of his life will then be over but a big part of him won’t realise this. To this part, it will be as if he is still a child or younger and a woman is his mother.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, his mother might not have consistently met his needs. Additionally, he might have often held him when he didn’t want to be held, been kept awake when he wanted to sleep and been fed when didn’t want to be fed.

As a result of the misattuned care that he received, he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of this being a time when he typically felt safe, supported and loved, it would have been a time when he often felt unsafe, unsupported, rejected and hurt.

One option

To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. Furthermore, his system would have protected him by causing him to withdraw.

Losing touch with his inner world and going within was his only option as he was powerless and dependent. He wasn’t in a position to fight or to run away and find another mother who could love him.

A Big Impact

Most likely, his mother had a very similar experience during her formative years, which would have caused her to be developmentally stunted. She would have also become estranged from her true, feeling self, taking away her ability to attune to her son.

Not having received the attuned care that he needed would have harmed him on one hand and it would have caused him to develop a very disempowering view of human closeness on the other. He won’t know that he can emotionally attach to a woman, while feeling safe and maintaining his sense of self.

A New Reality

For this to change, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk