Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have A Negative Inner Model Of Women If He Had A Mother Who lacked Empathy?

If a man were to think about the experiences that he has had with women over the years, he might soon experience a number of ‘negative’ feelings. This is because he may have been with a number of women who were not very loving.

So, these women might not have typically been interested in his needs or how he felt and the challenges that he had. These women would then have been very self-absorbed and he would have been greatly deprived as a result.

The Other Side

When he was with a woman like this, he would have been malnourished and, once his time with her came to an end, he might have felt very low. This may have been a time when he experienced a deep sense of loss, and felt rejected and worthless.

He would then have no longer been with a woman who was undermining him but it would have taken him a while to feel better. But, as he would have been through a lot, it is to be expected that it would take a while for him to find his feet again.

One Conclusion

After thinking about the experiences that he has had, he could believe that this is just what women are like. Women are then going to be beings who are cold, emotionally distant and caught up with their own needs.

He might have also spoken to a number of his male friends and perhaps family members about this. In general, the men that he has spoken to could agree with what he says, with them having had the same experiences with women.

A Frustrating Position

But, even if he does have this outlook, it is likely to cause him to experience a lot of pain. The reason for this is that he will want to have a loving relationship with a woman and yet he won’t see this as something that is possible.

He is then going to have two options: either he stays single and perhaps has casual encounters, or he has a relationship with a woman who won’t treat him very well. Thus, whatever option he goes for, he is not going to be what he really wants.

Another Angle

However, even though he can believe that this is just what women are like, what if there is far more to it? What if the women that he ends up with are not a reflection of what all women are like?

What if he ends up with women like this because he feels comfortable with these types of women? If he were to hear this, he could say that this is not true as he doesn’t want to be with women who are like this.

Two levels

What he will need to keep in mind, if he responds in this way or a way that is similar, is that he doesn’t begin and end with his conscious mind. Along with this part of him, there is his unconscious mind.

With this in mind, as he wants to be with a woman who is attentive, loving and kind, for instance, and ends up with women who are the opposite, it is likely to show that this other, hidden part of him wants something else. This part of him is likely to feel comfortable being with a woman who is not very attentive, loving or kind, for instance.

Another Part

Additionally, at this level, he is likely to have a view of women that relates to them being the opposite of what he wants. If he is on board with this, he could wonder why this other, hidden part of him is this way.

Still, if he were able to go back in time and see some of the things that took place during his formative years, he might soon start to realise why he is this way. Throughout his formative years, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Brutal Time

Instead of having a mother who was generally attuned to his needs and was loving, she would have been a mother who was generally indifferent to his needs and cold. In all likelihood, she was in a shut down state and didn’t have a good connection with her emotional self.

This would have undermined her ability to be there for him and see him as a separate being who had his own needs and feelings. The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Two Parts

Now, although how his mother treated him was not a reflection of his value or lovability, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. Moreover, his mother would have defined his view of what women were like, with the particular becoming the general.

His need to be loved by his mother would have ended up being repressed and even though this stage of his life will be over, a big part of him will still be looking for her love. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously be drawn to women who are very similar to his mother in the hope of finally being loved.

Drawing the Line

As this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t be able to accept that this stage of his life is over and that it is too late for him to receive this love. For him to change this area of his life, he will need to change his inner model of what women are like and let go of his need for his mother’s love.

To do this, he will have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk