Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have A Negative Self-Image If His Mother Was Abusive?

If a man was to take a step back and reflect on how he sees himself, what could soon stand out is that he doesn’t have a very positive view. He could find that he feels worthless and unlovable.

After coming to see this, he could soon start to think about how this is impacting his life. So, he could find that this is having a negative impact on his career and love life, for instance.

One Area

When it comes to what he does for a living, he could do something that is soul-destroying. He is then likely to dread going into work and be happy when it is time for him to go home.

Alternatively, he could do something that he enjoys but he might not have been able to make much progress. Either way, he is likely to be frustrated about what is going on and want this area of his life to change.

Another Area

As for his love life, he might have been with a number of women who were not very loving. Some of these women might have even been abusive, with him being greatly undermined in the process.

Conversely, he might not have dated a woman let alone been in a relationship with a woman. This can show that the view that he has of himself hasn’t allowed him to take this step.

Inner Conflict

Now, the fact that he has taken a step back is likely to show that part of him doesn’t believe that how he sees himself is the truth. However, there is going to be another, bigger part of him that has a different view.

This part of him will believe that he is worthless and unlovable and that’s all there is to it. From this, what will be clear is that in order for his life to change, he will need to completely transform how he sees himself.

Self-Sabotage

Of course, until this takes place, it won’t be possible for him to move forward and live a fulfilling life. Ultimately, all of him will need to be going in the same direction or he will continue to suffer unnecessarily.

At this point, it could be said that how he sees himself is irrational and that he just needs to change what he believes. If he were to question what he believes and started to create new beliefs, he might find that his view of himself gradually changes and he feels different, and, with this, his life changes.

Another Experience

Then again, after going down this path, he may find that his view of himself doesn’t really change and he still feels the same. As a result of this, his life will also continue to play out in the same way.

Assuming that this approach doesn’t work, he could conclude that his life will always be the same. He might have got his hopes up before and now he could feel totally helpless and hopeless.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, what this can show is that for him to change how he views himself, he needs to face and work through what is also going on for him at an emotional level. This is because, at this level, he can be carrying emotional wounds.

At this point, he can wonder why he would be carrying emotional wounds and what it is that caused them. For him to find out why this is, it is likely to be a good idea for him to reflect on what his early years were like.

Back In Time

If he is able to do this and doesn’t have an overly idealised view of his early years, he may find that this was a time when his mother was often cold and cruel. It would then have been normal for him to be treated badly by her.

What he needed was a mother who was generally able to attune to his needs and was loving. But, as his wasn’t what his mother was like, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Taken To Heart

His mother was probably greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her early years, which is why she wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed. The trouble is that as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place.

It was then not that his mother was unable to love him; it was that he was worthless and unlovable. Blaming himself would have also been a way for him to block out reality and given him the hope that he could receive what he needed, as, if he had accepted that he wouldn’t receive what he needed, it would have been too much for him to handle.

Drawing the Line

This stage of his life will be over but, in addition to the emotional wounds that he is carrying, he will still be looking for the love that he missed out on. This is why, for him to move forward, there will be the mental and emotional work that he needs to do and he will need to experience his unmet developmental needs.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk