Mother Wounds: Can A Man Live In Hope If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

If a man was to look back on his life, he may see that he has experienced a lot of frustration over the years. He could see that this is because his needs have largely not been met in one or a number of areas of his life.

Being deprived is then going to be normal and this will have naturally had and continue to have a big impact on his life. Thanks to this, he could feel helpless and hopeless and question if his life will ever change.

One Area

When it comes to an area of his life that is not going as he wants it to go, it can relate to his love life. So, he might have met a number of women who he liked and liked him but it didn’t go anywhere.

Furthermore, he might have dated at least one woman and it only went so far. Yet, when they were together, it might have seemed as though it would develop into more.

Another Part

And, when it came to an end, he might have believed that they would get back together again. Due to this, he might have waited around for a number of weeks, months or longer.

Irrespective of how long he waited, though, they wouldn’t have got back together again. He might have only been in this position once, or he might have been in this position on a number of occasions.

A key part

If this is the case, when he thinks about a moment like this, he can find that he lived in hope.   The women that he had been with may have played a part in this as she might have created the impression that they would get back together.

Then again, this might not have taken place. Either way, what these experiences and perhaps others can show is that he has spent a lot of his life in a place of hope as opposed to a place of having his needs met and feeling fulfilled.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, he can wonder why he spends so much time in a place of hope and can’t just meet his needs in this area of his life. What he might also see, is that, when it became clear that he wasn’t going to get back with a woman, he ended up feeling very low.

If so, what he can see is that experiencing a sense of hope allowed him to avoid how he was feeling. It would have served as a defence that allowed him to keep it together and function.

What’s going on?

What might end up entering his mind is why this area of his life is this way and what he can do to change it. For him to understand what is going on, it can be a good idea for him to think about his early years.

This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, he would have generally missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Brutal Time

But, as he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t change his mother or find another mother who could provide him with what he needed. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Along with this, to help keep this material at bay, he would have lived in the hope - the false hope - that if he became who his mother wanted and pleased her, he would be loved. The trouble is that as she probably wasn’t able to love him, as she herself was likely to have been deprived, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did.

Replaying The Past

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but a big part of him won’t realise this. At a deeper level, the level of his unconscious mind, he will still be looking for the love that he missed out on.

What is going on at this level will cause him to be drawn to women who can’t love him, in the hope of finally receiving the love that he missed out on. What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that this stage of his life is over and that another woman is not his mother.

Drawing the Line

Taking this into account, for him to no longer live in the hope of receiving what he missed out on and receive what is available; he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk