Mother Wounds: Can A Man See Women As A Threat If His Mother Was Abusive?

Although certain areas of a man’s life might be going well, there might be one area that isn’t and it might have been this way for a while. So, his career could be going in the right direction and he might have a number of close friends, for instance.

However, when it comes to his love life, he could experience a fair amount of frustration and anger. The reason for this is that he might not have been able to develop a deeper connection with a woman and have a loving relationship.

One Reality

Over the years, he might have dated a number of women but only been able to get so far. In each of these cases, he would have wanted things to go further, but this wouldn’t have happened.

As to why this was, it could be because the woman didn’t want more, had to move away or even cheated on him. Regardless of why things didn’t go to the next stage, the outcome would have been the same – he would have been deprived.

His Current Experience

As a result of what he has been through in this area of his life, he could believe that this area of his life will always be this way. But, as he will have continually hit a brick wall in this area of his life, this is not going to be a surprise.

What could make this even worse is that he might have done a number of the ‘right’ things over the years. For example, he might have worked on his appearance and developed himself in other ways.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a friend about what is going on in this area of his life, he could end up being told that he is just unlucky. He will then need to wait until his luck changes in order for him to move forward in this area of his life.

Alternatively, they might say that there is a chance that another part of him doesn’t want to get closer to a woman. After hearing this, he could say that this is not true as this is what he wants, or something similar.

An Exercise

However, if he were to use his imagination and imagine being with a woman who he has opened up to and is emotionally close to, he could end up feeling uncomfortable. He can soon have the need to pull away physically and emotionally and keep his guard up.

What this will illustrate is that this is not seen as something that is safe, which is why he will need to withdraw both physically and emotionally and be guarded. If this were to take place, he could wonder why this is.

Inner Conflict

He could come to the conclusion that there is no reason for him to be this way and that this is irrational. Nonetheless, as irrational as this may appear to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, he might gradually understand why he is this way.

This may have been a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing. His mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach and abused him in a variety of ways.

A Brutal Time

What he needed at this stage, to grow and develop in the right way, was an attuned and caring mother. This would have allowed him to not only have a physical birth but to also have an emotional birth.

Instead, he would have had a mother who not only couldn’t love him - most likely due to her not being loved during her formative years - but regularly harmed him. Being ignored, rejected, left, verbally put down and perhaps physically harmed would have been the norm.

One Option

As he was powerless and dependent, he wasn’t in a position to fight back or to leave his mother. His only option was to lose touch with how he felt and a number of his needs and to energetically close up.

This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the pain he was in and able to keep it together and function. Along with how he adapted to the lack of love, there would have been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made.

The Meaning

He would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. Along with this, he would have come to believe that it wasn’t safe for him to let his guard down, be open and get close to a woman.

The particular would then have become the general, with not just his mother being a threat but all women being a threat to his survival. His underdeveloped brain wasn’t able to realise that his mother wasn’t a reflection of all women.

Moving Forward

Many years will have passed since that stage of his life, but a big part of him won’t realise that it is over and that another woman is not his mother. Being this way will have caused him to be deprived but his system will simply be doing its best to keep him alive, not to make him suffer.

For him to be able to feel safe enough to let his guard down and get closer to a woman, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk