Mother Wounds: Can A Mans Ability To Bond With A Women Be Destroyed If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Although a man can have the need to be with a woman and experience intimacy, he might not have been able to meet this need. His life might have been this way for as long as he can remember.

Thanks to this, he might believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue. Then again, he might believe that there is something inherently wrong with him.

A Bit of Both

Having said that, there can be moments when he believes that what is going on externally is the issue and moments when he believes that what is going on for him is the issue. If he believes that what is going on externally is the issue, it can give him the hope that his life will change.

Yet, if he believes that there is something inherently wrong with him, he can feel totally hopeless and helpless. And, if he alternates between the two, it can mean that he will have moments when he is full of hope and moments when he isn’t.

A Closer Look

If he alternates between the two, it can show that he has had some level of success with women. But, if he hasn’t had much success recently, this can play a part in why he often thinks that there must be something wrong with them.

Now, if he were to look back on his life, he may think about the women that he has been with and how he wasn’t able to develop a deeper connection with them. This can show that there have been moments when a woman ended things as they were starting to get closer, when a woman cheated on him, or had to move away, for instance.

Out of reach

Irrespective of what has happened, he won’t have been able to take things further. It can be as though there is an invisible wall between him and what he wants to experience – intimacy with a woman.

What may have played a part in the outlook hat he has, when it comes to this area of his life, is that he might have put a lot of effort into becoming more ‘desirable’ and ‘high value’. But, regardless of what he has done, it won’t have changed this area of his life.

One Scenario

A time may arrive, however, when he does meet a woman who he is able to get closer to. This can then be a time when he will gradually understand why this area of his life has been this way for so long.

The reason for this is that as he becomes emotionally closer to the woman, he can feel deeply uncomfortable and need to pull away. He will then be experiencing what he has wanted for so long, but he won’t be able to accept it.

The other Side

Assuming that he was to have this experience and the relationship was to come to an end, he can wonder why he felt so uncomfortable and pulled away. At first, what might enter his mind is that there must have been something wrong with the woman.

Thus, if she had been right for him, he would have felt comfortable and wouldn’t have pulled away. But, after a while, he can think about how there must be more to this, as it has taken him so long to get this close to a woman.

Two parts

What this will show is that even though part of him wants to experience a deeper connection with a woman, another, stronger part of him doesn’t. The experience that he has had will have shed light on what is going on for him at a deeper level.

If, at a deeper level, he didn’t feel this way, it is unlikely that it would have taken him so long to get closer to a woman and experiencing a deeper connection with a woman is likely to just be what is normal. At this point, he can wonder why another part of him doesn’t feel comfortable with intimacy.

A Deeper Look

As confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, it might gradually become clear. This may have been a time when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach but was also verbally and physically abusive.

As a result, his mother wouldn’t have been able to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, and he would have been undermined by her, too. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The outcome

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the pain that he was in and allowed him to keep it together and function.

There will have also been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made, with him coming to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. And, while his mother didn’t represent all women, she would have largely defined his inner model of what women are like.

It’s Over

He is likely to have come to believe that he couldn’t trust women and that they were a threat to his survival. Thanks to the unresolved trauma that is inside him and the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made, when he does get close to a woman, to a big part of him, it will be as though he is with his mother, and he will need to protect himself.

What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother. For this area of his life to change, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

​​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk