Mother Wounds: Is A Man Wasting His Time If He Tries To Find Out Why His Mother Hated Him?

After a man has come to see that his mother didn’t treat him very well during his formative years, he can have the need to talk to her about what took place. Based on what he experienced, he might have come to the conclusion that she hated him.

Or, if he might have concluded that there were certain parts of him that she hated. But, if she often treated him as though he was nothing, this is not going to be a surprise.

A Different Scenario

Naturally, he can believe that if she did love him, she would have generally been loving; not generally been unloving. And, as she was an imperfect human being, it is to be expected that she would have made mistakes.

But, there is a big difference between making the odd mistake and apologising and continually causing harm and not apologising. Or apologising, but continuing to behave in the same way.

A Common Occurrence

Throughout this stage of his life, he might have often been criticised, humiliated, rejected, physically harmed and left. The trouble is that as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he would have personalised what took place.

He would then have believed that he was being treated badly because he was worthless and unlovable. Consequently, it might have taken him years for part of him, if not all of him, to be able to see that how he was treated wasn’t his fault and that he didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Waking Up

Arriving at this understanding might have played a big part in what caused him to wonder why his mother treated him in this way. If, on the other hand, he continued to feel worthless and unlovable but hadn’t become consciously aware of this or explored his early years, there would have been no reason for him to wonder why he was treated in this way.

He would have continued to live in the same way and his life is likely to have gotten even worse. What this comes down to is that feeling worthless and unlovable is not exactly a recipe for being able to live a fulfilling life.

The Next Step

So, he could call his mother or pay her a visit and end up talking about some of the things that took place during his formative years. This can be a time when she will listen to what he has to say and validate his experiences.

She could make it clear that she is deeply sorry for how she treated him and could say that, while this doesn’t make it ok, she was not in a good way. After this, he could feel seen and heard and grateful for her acknowledgement and support.

A Process

This is not to say that after this has taken place, he will just be able to put his past behind him and move forward. He will still have inner wounds to heal and this will take time.

However, having her support and validation is likely to make it easier for him to move forward. He won’t have to battle his mother and this will save him a lot of time and energy.

Another Scenario

Then again, after talking to his mother about some of the things that he experienced during his formative years, what he says can end up being denied and played down. His mother could not only make out that he is making things up but she could talk about all of the things that she did for him.

After this, he could feel frustrated, angry, betrayed, helpless and hopeless. He could struggle to understand how she could be so out of touch with reality and not be able to acknowledge how she behaved.

An Expected Outcome

Nonetheless, what this can show is that she doesn’t have a very strong connection with reality or herself. Being this way will be what allows her to keep it together and function.

Therefore, if he were to face up to how she behaved and connected to her body and how she feels, she would probably end up falling apart. And, it is likely to be this disconnection that played a part in why she was so destructive.

In A Bad Way

There is a strong chance that she had to lose touch with reality and her feelings during her formative years. This may have been a time when she was abused and neglected by one or both of her parents.

Developing a disconnected false self, that was also inflated and unfeeling, would have allowed her to survive a very brutal environment. The years would have passed and she would have continued to carry the pain that she experienced as she wouldn’t have worked through any of it.

A Target

The outcome of this is that she would have unknowingly blamed her son for what another person or people and done to her. Thanks to what she projected into him, she wouldn’t have been able to see him clearly.

This is then similar to how, if someone has taken drugs and they are in an altered state, they won’t be able to see clearly. Yet, as far as they are concerned, their view of reality will be accurate.

Drawing the line

Ultimately, his mother will be too wounded to be able to face reality. She won’t be able to be honest with herself about how she behaved and this is why she won’t be able to be honest with her son.

For him to let go of his need to be seen and heard by someone who can’t do either of these things, he will have inner wounds to heal. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk