Mother Wounds: What Can Happen If A Man Was Brought Up By A Mother Who Hated Him?

If a man was brought up by a mother who, in general, wasn’t very nurturing, it doesn’t mean that he will be aware of this. So, when he thinks about this stage of his life, he could think about how his mother did love him but that she didn’t always show it.

The view that he has of her is then not going to be an accurate reflection of what she was actually like. Now, it can seem strange as to why he wouldn’t be able to see her clearly but this is unlikely to be something that he is consciously choosing to do.

 A Defence

At a very young age, he is likely to have blocked out what she was like and formed a view of her that didn’t reflect reality. This would have partly been because he was egocentric and would have blamed himself for what was going on and partly a way for him to try to receive the love that wasn’t available.

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life but he still won’t be able to see clearly. However, what often takes place for him at a mental and emotional level and his relationships are likely to shed light on what his early years were like.

Oblivious

But, as he doesn’t have a balanced outlook when it comes to this stage of his life, he won’t be able to see how his adult life has a lot in common with his early years. So, it could often be a struggle for him to feel good about himself and he could often feel depressed.

As for his relationships, he could be used to being mistreated and find it hard to stand up for himself. Also, over the years, he might have been with a number of women who were very cold and cruel.

One View

He could believe, for instance, that he just suffers from depression and was born this way. This can then be something that he just has to put up with and perhaps needs to manage with medication.

When it comes to the experiences that he has had with women, he could believe that most women are just not very pleasant. He can then hope that, sooner or later, he is able to meet a woman who values him and doesn’t treat him like dirt.

The Catalyst

After living a miserable life for a number of years, he can end up looking for answers. This can be a time when he will gradually gain a more balanced view of what his early years were like.

He can start to remember how there were moments when his mother was very cold and cruel. If then, there were moments when she was kind and considerate; this won’t change the fact that there was a moment when she was the complete opposite.

Seeing Clearly

After realising this, what might enter his mind is that she either hated him or, at the very least, part of her did. But, if she often criticised, humiliated, physically harmed and even left him, this is to be expected.

Naturally, if all of her had loved him, or most of her, there would have been no reason for her to have spent so much time treating him like he was her enemy. In all likelihood, she was a deeply wounded human being who was unable to love him.

A Closer Look

Moreover, due to how wounded she was, there is a strong chance that she wasn’t able to see him clearly. Instead, she is likely to have been projecting someone or a number of people from her past into him.

For example, she might have unknowingly placed her father and/or brother into her son. She would then have been mistreating her son but, deep down, she was getting her own back on her father and/or brother.

Another Element

Her son would then have represented someone else or a number of people to her unconscious mind. Along with this, she might have projected disowned parts of herself into him.

In this case, she would have been abusing the parts of herself that she despised. What all this illustrates is that how she treated him had nothing to do with his value or lovability.

Straight In

The trouble was that as he was egocentric and personalised what took place, and had an underdeveloped brain, he wouldn’t have been able to see that how his mother treated him had nothing to do with him. It would have been seen as the truth of who he was and would have largely defined how he came to see himself.

Her behaviour would have also had an impact on how he expected women to treat him. So, to use an analogy, when it comes to this stage of his life, he would have been like a fertile piece of land and his mother would have unknowingly planted weeds, in addition, perhaps, to a few plants.
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Moving Forward

The truth is that he didn’t deserve to be treated badly then and he doesn’t deserve to be treated badly now, and he deserves to live a fulfilling life. For him to know this, at the core of his being, he is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and they are ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk