Mother Wounds: Why Would A Man Be Attracted To Emotionally Unstable Women?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what might stand out is that he has been with a number of women who were not very stable. These women would then have often been all at sea emotionally.

As a result, when he was with a woman like this, he would have probably spent a lot of time feeling drained. The reason for this is that he would have had to direct a lot of his energy toward trying to calm her down.

One Angle

His nervous system would then have been doing its best to keep him calm and doing what it could to try to keep his girlfriend calm. Naturally, this would have put a lot of pressure on him.

He would then have been in a relationship with another adult but it would have been as though he was in a relationship with a child. Once this relationship came to an end, it might have taken him a while to find his feet again.

Another part

When he was with her, she might have often been angry, frustrated and sad, for instance. If this was the case, he would have done his best to calm her down and cheer her up.

However, there could be more to it than this as there might have been times when she was aggressive, violent and rejecting. Thanks to this, in addition to trying to calm her down, there is also likely to have been moments when he felt anxious, fearful and rejected.

A Tough Time

Along with being more like a parent, he would have also been with someone who he felt uncomfortable with and couldn’t relax around. He then wouldn’t have been in a warzone but he might have felt as though he was in one.

And, even when she wasn’t unstable, he might have still found it hard to relax. The reason for this is that, based on what had taken place, he would have known that it wouldn’t be long until she would erupt again.

On Edge

He would then have spent a lot of time walking on eggshells and had the need to keep his guard up. This would have stopped him from being able to deeply connect to her but it would have also protected him.

If he hadn’t adapted in this way, he would have been hurt even more. Therefore, in addition to it taking time for him to find his feet again after his time with her came to an end, it would have also taken him a while to drop his guard and open up again.

Confusion

After thinking about what it has been like in this area of his life, he could believe that this is just what women are like. He then has two choices: either he goes with a woman like this and suffers, or he stays single and avoids having to suffer in this way.

Some of his needs will be met if he does go with a woman but he will pay a big price and if he stays single, certain needs won’t be met but he won’t pay this price. Most likely, he will want to be with a woman but not a woman who is like this.

What’s going on?

But, while it may seem as if this is just what women are like, what if there is more to it? What if this is not just what women are like and he is choosing to be with women who are like this?

If he were to hear this, he could say that this is not true as he doesn’t want to be with women who are like this. What he will need to keep in mind at this point is that there is the conscious part of him and then there is the unconscious part of him.

A Closer Look

Thus, as he wants one thing but ends up with something else entirely, it is likely to show that this other, hidden part of him wants something else. This part of him is bigger and far more powerful, which is why it has the biggest influence on his life.

At this level, he can have the need to receive the love that he missed out on from his mother. Of course, his developmental years will be over, so it will be too late for him to receive this love but as this other part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise this.

Going Deeper

This part of him will cause him to be attracted to and have relationships with women who are very similar to his mother, so that he can struggle for the love that he missed out on. At this stage of his life, his mother was probably emotionally unstable and out of reach.

During his formative years, then, he would have been greatly wounded and deeply deprived. To handle what took place, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, and he would have developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

A Brutal Time

This outer-directed false self would have involved him doing what he could to calm his mother down and make sure that he didn’t unsettle her. Instead of being connected to himself, he would have had to be attuned to her needs and feelings and keep his guard up, to minimise the hurt that he experienced.

He was then the child and needed to receive, but he was forced to be like a parent and to give. Most likely, his mother had been greatly wounded and deeply deprived during her childhood, leaving her in a traumatised state.

A New Reality

Taking this into account, for this area of his life to change, he is going to need to let go of his need to be loved by his mother. For this to take place, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper