Needs: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Needs?

After having been out of touch with their needs for as long as they can remember, one could now be in a position where they have decided that enough is enough. Perhaps the pain of living in this way has got too much for them to handle.

Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be out of touch with their physical needs or even their intellectual needs; what this will primarily relate to is their emotional needs. In general, then, what is taking place for them at an emotional level will be a mystery.

How This Has Played Out

Through being this way, they may have a tendency to focus on other people’s needs. One will be an individual but, due to how they behave, it will be as though they are an extension of others.

This doesn’t mean that this is a conscious process, however, as this is to be something that just happens. So, while they won’t have a good connection to their own emotional needs, they will have a good connection to other people’s needs.

An Example

Doing what other people want, along with they think they want, will be the norm. In the eyes of their friends and the people who they come into contact with, they could be seen as someone who is easy going and even “selfless”.

If this is the case, they probably won’t be short of friends or people who want to spend time with them. These people are unlikely to feel inconvenienced by them and they will know that one won’t overshadow them in any way.

On the Surface

So, the impression that one is likely to create around others that they are happy to behave in this way. How they come across won’t reflect how they truly feel deep down, though, or be an expression of who they really are.

The reason that most people won’t realise this is because one will be very good at hiding their true-self. In addition to being very good at hiding who they are from others, they will be very good at hiding who they are from themselves.

A Gradual Build-Up

But, while they will typically be out of touch with their true feelings, it won’t be without certain consequences. They may often feel frustrated and angry, and even depressed.

Nonetheless, when they felt ‘bad’ in the past, they may have often consumed something that would push this pain out of their conscious awareness. Alternatively, they may have done something that would allow them to receive approval.

A Miserable Existence

Hiding who they are and rarely being able to fulfil their emotional needs will have naturally taken its toll on them. This pain would then have got the point where one simply couldn’t handle it any more.

Instead of running away from their pain, they would have used their pain to drive them forward. When it comes to what allowed them to see that they were not fulfilling their emotional needs, it could have been something that stood out after they read something, observed something or had a conversion, for instance.

The Catalyst

The pain would have been there, and they may have sensed that something wasn’t right, and something would have happened that allowed them to wake up. If it wasn’t this sudden, this awakening may have occurred over a number of months, if not longer.

What they may want to know next is why they have lived in this way; why they don’t have a good connection to their emotional needs and why it has been such a challenge for them to fulfil them. In order for them to understand why this is, it will be a good idea for them to think about what took place during their early years.

Way Back

If they were able to connect to what took place during this time, what they may find is that their developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met. In all likelihood, their primary caregiver wouldn’t have been very responsive to their needs.

Perhaps this caregiver was also brought up by a caregiver who behaved in the same way. Through being egocentric at this age, one would have taken what took place personally, believing that their needs were bad.

The Only Option

And, as their needs were bad, it would have also meant that they were also bad. Reaching out and expressing their needs would have ended up being associated as something that would cause them to be rejected.

Along with the pain of being rejected, the interpersonal bridge between them and their primary caregiver would have broken, which would have caused their being to be filled with toxic shame.  It would have been clear that reaching out wasn’t an option, leaving them with one option – to disconnect from their needs.

The Outcome

On one hand, this would have minimised the amount of pain that they experienced and kept them alive, and, on the other, this would have prevented them from getting their needs met and caused them to lose touch with themselves. Considering this, what kept them alive at one stage of their life will be what is making their life a misery at another.

To fully reconnect to their needs and their true-self, they will most likely have a lot of pain to work through. Before they can get in touch with some of this pain, they may have different defences to work through.
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Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk