If a man is unable to live his own life, due to how focused he is on his mother, it can appear as though she is the main problem. It might even seem as though the only way that he will be free is if his mother passes on.
This is something that a woman could say as a result of how caught up he is in his mother’s world. Unless this happens, then, it can appear as though he won’t be able to break away and live his own life. A natural outcome To someone who is on the outside and is unaware of how he behaves, what she has said might sound a bit extreme. But, if they were to put themselves in her shoes for a short while, they might soon understand why she has this view. They will be able to see that he is seldom there for himself and his mother is the centre of his world. Thus, he will be a separate being but he will act as if he is an extension of his mother. Back In Time Taking into account how he behaves, it is highly likely that this is a continuation of how it was for him as a child. So, throughout this stage of his life, a number of his developmental needs are likely to have been ignored, with him being forced to focus on her needs. A time in his life when he needed to receive love, in order to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he had to give and behave more like her parent. The outcome of this is that he would have been deeply deprived and greatly wounded. Developmentally Stunted His physical and mental self would have grown, but, as a number of his developmental needs were rarely if ever met, his emotional self will be frozen in time. In other words, he will look like an adult but he will feel like a child deep down. Based on this, his mother was able to give birth to a child but she wasn’t in a position to provide her child with what they needed to experience an emotional birth. This is likely to be because she was developmentally stunted, after being used by one or both of her parents and was unable to give him the love that he needed. Another Part Now, his father might not have been around during this time; then again, he might have been around. If he was around, he might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for his son. Not only this, he might have generally been dominated by his son’s mother and acted more like her son than her equal. If so, both his mother and his father wouldn’t have been able to provide him with what he needed. A Big Impact As his father also acted like an extension of her, he wouldn’t have been exposed to a healthy way of behaving. His father would have sent him the message that behaving in this way is what is normal and the right thing to do. And, if he tried to express himself or was assertive, his father might have soon criticised or harmed him. From this, it will be clear that his father was not in his power, which is why he couldn’t help his son to realise his power. One priority Just as his mother was primarily focused on meeting her own needs, his father was also focused on meeting his own needs. In all likelihood, his father had a fear of being abandoned, and, therefore, did what he could to please his partner to avoid being left. What this is likely to show is that he was deprived of what he needed during his formative years. At this stage of his life, he probably had a mother who used him and a father who lacked backbone. A Replay Naturally, as his mother and father were wounded children who needed a mother and father, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t have been able to give him what he needed to grow into a strong man. It will now be up to him to do what he needs to do to gradually change his life. However, he will need to become aware of what is going on before this can take place. For this to happen, something dramatic might need to take place. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Mother-Enmeshed Man: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Feel Selfish For Putting Himself First?17/3/2024
What should be normal is for a man to be there for himself and take care of his own needs. By being this way, he will be able to live a life that is worth living.
However, while putting himself first should be normal, this could be something that rarely takes place. Instead, he can typically ignore himself and focus on his mother’s needs. No Life As a result of this, a number of his own needs are going to be overlooked and he is unlikely to have a life that is fulfilling. The time and energy that would allow him to elevate his own life will be directed toward his mother. But, although he will be neglecting himself, this might not be something that he is consciously aware of. Furthermore, he could receive a lot of positive feedback from family and friends. The Wrong Path If someone were to point out that he is living in the wrong way, though, it might not have much of an impact on him. It could go in one ear and out of the other and he might even criticise them. From this, it will be clear that he is not ready to accept that he is out of balance. What this will also show is that he is out of touch with many of his needs and his need to meet those needs. Outer Directed In the place of this connection and need, will be the connection that he has to his mother’s needs and his need to meet them. He is then going to be a separate human being but it will be as though he is merely an extension of his mother. No matter what he does, then, his main priority will be to be there for his mother and take care of her. Naturally, this is going to take its toll on him and sooner or later, he might no longer be able to behave in this way. A fall Assuming that he was to arrive at a point where he is unable to behave in this way, this can end up being a time when he will start to question why his life is this way. He can come to see that being there for his mother is what feels comfortable, even though it is having a negative effect on him and his life. If he were to imagine putting himself first and saying no to his mother, he could soon be filled with guilt and shame. Based on this, it will be wrong for him to be there for himself and right for him to be there for his mother. What’s going on? As this is what is going on for him, it is to be expected that he would ignore himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not behaving in this way will cause him to experience a lot of discomfort and to feel as if he is being self-centred. Yet, as he is here to live his own life and not be an extension of anyone else, it doesn’t make any sense for him to be this way. Nonetheless, if his early years are taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense. Back In Time Practically from the moment that he was born, he is likely to have been deprived of the attunement and love that he needed. And, when he expressed certain needs, he is likely to have typically been ignored, criticised, rejected and left. He would then have had no other choice but to lose touch with himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not only would this have deeply wounded him but, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs, feelings and his self were bad. Brainwashed Ergo, due to how his mother and perhaps his father treated him, he would have developed a very negative relationship with himself. The most important stage of his life, when it comes to his development, would have been a time when he was conditioned to abandon himself and be there for his mother. He was powerless and totally dependent at this stage and he probably wouldn’t have been exposed to a healthy model of how to behave. If his father also focused on his mother's needs, this would have played a part in him believing that behaving in this way was the right thing to do. The Truth If this is what took place or something that was very similar to it, he will need to keep in mind that he was violated and used by one or two people who were most likely deeply damaged and had been deprived during their formative years. So, what this means is that how he came to view his own needs, feelings and self is wrong. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with his needs, feelings or self, and he is here to live his own life. For him to know this at the core of his being, he is likely to have a lot of healing work to do. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might stand out is that they have the tendency to put other people’s needs first. They may see that this takes place without them even thinking about it.
Naturally, the outcome of this is that they will also have the tendency to ignore their own needs. So, while this will allow them to please others and receive a lot of positive feedback in the process, they will neglect themselves. Inner Conflict At this point, they could be well and truly fed up with living in this way. But, although this is likely to be the case, they could find that their need to behave in this way is so strong that they are unable to simply change their behaviour. In fact, it could be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is making them behave this way. Either way, they are not going to believe that they have what it takes to experience life differently. External Support If they were to end up looking for answers, they could soon learn that there are a number of things that they need to do. So, they can see that they need to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and what they believe and even raise their self-esteem. By doing this, they will gradually be able to change how they behave. Altering what is going on up top, then, will allow them to focus on their own needs and do what is right for them. A Different Reality As the weeks and months pass, they could see that their need to please others has greatly subsided and that they spend more time meeting their own needs. As a result of this, they are likely to find that their life is far more fulfilling. One outcome of this is that some of their relationships may have changed, while may have come to an end. They may have also developed a number of new relationships. A new life It could go even further than this, though, as they could have started a new job or be thinking about taking this step. What might have also crossed their mind is moving somewhere else and starting over again. As dramatic as something like this may appear to be from the outside, it will be a perfectly normal effect on them living a life that is more aligned with who they are. Their true essence will be seeing the light of day. Another Scenario Alternatively, they could find that this approach doesn’t have much of an impact on them and they still have a strong need to please others and overlook their own needs. If they were to imagine changing their behaviour and putting themselves first, they could soon feel anxious and fearful. If they were to go deeper, they could end up feeling rejected and abandoned. Assuming that they do, one way of looking at this would be to say that these feelings are caused by their ‘negative’ thoughts and these need to be changed for their life to change. Another Angle However, there is a chance that the feelings that they experience are triggered by their thoughts, not caused by them. Moreover, what can play a big part in why they are behaving in this way can be their unmet development need to be loved. Their childhood will then be over but they won’t have truly moved on from this stage of their life. Therefore, if they purely focus on what is taking place in their mind and change their behaviour, they won’t deal with what is really driving them. Going Deeper With this in mind, on one level, it will be as though they are just trying to please other adults and that this is partly because they have low self-esteem. But, at a deeper level, other adults will be seen as parental figures who can provide them with the love that they missed out on as a child. This shows that the needs that were not met during their developmental years didn’t simply disappear and are continuing to influence their life from behind the scenes, so to speak. What this illustrates is that, when it comes to change, it is essential to explore what is taking place in both the conscious and the unconscious mind. A Closer Look So, during their early years, they may have had a mother and/or a father who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed. This would have caused them to be deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this, their brain would have repressed a number of their developmental needs and the pain they were in. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and blocked out reality. The Next Stage Still, they would have continued to try to receive the love that wasn’t available by ignoring themselves and doing what they could to please their parents. After their childhood came to an end and they became an adult, their early struggle would have continued. For them to no longer turn their back on themselves, they will need to face and work through the pain that was repressed and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the previous articles that I have written about Yellowstone, I haven’t mentioned Jimmy. However, in the beginning, Jimmy works on the ranch and lives in the bunkhouse, but, as time passes, he ends up going to the 6666 ranch to learn how to be a cowboy.
Now, moving from one ranch to another is not the only change that he experiences as he becomes a very different person over time. One way of looking at his transition would be to say that he goes from a boy to a man At First For most of the episodes that he is in, he is made fun of, laughed at and not taken very seriously. A big part of this is that he is like a fish out of water at the ranch and doesn’t really know what he is doing. Fortunately, he is a hard worker, keeps going and is not aggressive, which helps him to adapt to living on the ranch. He ends up finding that his passion is being a rodeo and he even wins an award. A Key Moment This soon comes to an end, though, when he is thrown off a horse during a rodeo competition. But, before this takes place, he meets a barrel racer and there is a strong attraction between them. She ends up helping him to get back on his feet and from this moment, they are in a relationship. If I remember rightly, Jimmy was surprised when she was attracted to him and couldn't believe that she was still around after. It all comes crashing down After he gets back on his feet, John tells him not to go back to being a rodeo. The trouble is that his girlfriend, Mia, essentially says that, if he doesn’t, she will leave him. He is then torn between not wanting to end up in a wheelchair and going against John and not wanting to lose his girlfriend. His need to hold onto his girlfriend takes over and he gets back on a horse, only to be thrown off and not being unable to move. Out of his hands Once he is back on his feet again, John tells him that he is being sent to the 6666 ranch to learn how to be a cowboy. He tells him that this is his last chance and that he will be representing the Yellowstone ranch when he is there. Mia tells him that if he goes, it is over between them, and naturally, this has a big impact on Jimmy as he doesn’t really have a choice. But, although, at this point, it seems as though his life is getting worse, it is actually about to get a lot better. A Different Set-Up Before Jimmy leaves, Walker tells him how different it is at the 6666 ranch and that there is none of the bullshit that goes on there and that he should stay there, or something similar. His ability to get his head down and do what is necessary allows him to become a better cowboy and win over the other cowboys. It becomes clear that what Walker said was true and Jimmy benefits from being around people who are different. He is treated with more respect and this, along with all the challenges that he has overcome since he was sent there, has a positive effect on his development. Another Opportunity He also meets another woman here, Emily, who he goes for dinner with, and before long, they end up in a relationship. When she asks him how she is different from his ex, he says that his ex was attracted to his potential but she is attracted to who he is right now, or something similar. From this, it is clear that he is with a woman who is more suitable for him as he doesn’t need to be someone he is not to be with her. This shows that as he is more comfortable in his own skin, he has attracted a woman who reflects this. A Big Difference Before, as didn’t really accept himself or have a strong sense of his own worth, he ended up attracting a woman who couldn’t accept him as he was. This was why she wanted him to be someone else in order to be with him. In addition to developing a stronger sense of himself, he is more grounded in himself, with him no longer being as easy-going or submissive as before. This is something that stands out when goes back to Yellowstone and speaks to Mia, his ex-girlfriend, and stands his ground. Final Thoughts Taking all this into account, it shows how important it is for someone to live in an environment that is right for them. Once they are somewhere that is, it will be a lot easier for them to grow, be in their power, and thrive. Yet, for this to take place, they can need to do a certain amount of work on themselves to realise that there is a better environment for them, let alone that they deserve to live in one. This can take courage, patience and persistence.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is in a position where he spends a lot of time focusing on and doing things for his mother, his own life is going to be neglected. What this comes down to is that he only has so much time and energy.
It would be different if he could be fully focused on himself and his mother but this is not possible. Of course, there is a big difference between being there for her from time to time and being solely focused on her. Out of balance Being there for her from time to time, if this is what he chooses, is not going to cause him to overlook his own needs. However, being solely focused on her is naturally going to cause him to overlook his own needs. Instead of acting as an interdependent human being, he will as though he is an extension of his mother. Her needs will then be what matters, while his needs will be of secondary importance. The Norm Nonetheless, if this is just what is normal, there will be no reason for him to see that something is not right. That doesn’t mean that behaving in his way won’t have a negative effect on him, though. He could often feel frustrated and spend a lot of time in a very low state. What is going on for him will be there to let him know that he is out of alignment with himself and needs to change his behaviour. The Similarity Unless he is able to wake up, then, he is likely to continue to behave in this way and ignore himself. Based on how he behaves, he is going to be more like a boy than a man. This is because a boy will want to stay close to his mother and his survival depends on her; whereas a man won’t have the need to stay close to her and his survival won’t depend on her. Yet, although he is a man, he will still behave as though his mother is the centre of his world and his survival depends on her. Stunted So, what this is likely to show is that since he was a boy, his physical and mental self have grown but his emotional self hasn’t really grown. He will then look like a man but a big part of him will feel like a boy. And, as this is what is going on for him at a deeper level, it is not possible for him to be there for himself and live his own life. If he was to do this, he is likely to soon feel uncomfortable and it won’t be long until he goes back to how he was. Deeply deprived During his formative years, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. What he needed was an attuned mother who could love him but he probably had a mother who had been emotionally shut down and unable to love him. Consequently, he would have been forced to adapt to her and lose touch with his feelings and a number of his needs. If he did express himself, she might have punished him in some way, sending him the message that there was something inherently wrong with his needs and that it wasn’t safe for him to express them. The Outcome Being deprived and deeply wounded would have stopped him from being able to move beyond the stage where he was dependent on his mother. This is why his emotional self would have stayed anchored to this stage of his life. If she hadn't been emotionally shut down and was able to love him, he probably would have moved through this stage. What this illustrates is that as strong as she may appear to be, she is not in a good way emotionally. Way Back During her formative years, she is likely to have also been deprived of the attunement and love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. If she does come across as strong, it will show that she developed a disconnected and inflated false self. This would have taken place automatically and been the way that she was able to handle the pain that she was in. But, under this false self will the pain that she experienced when she was ignored, rejected, and abandoned. The Connection With this in mind, although the man won’t be in his power and his mother can come across as strong, they will both be developmentally stunted. The man might have a different temperament and have been wounded slightly earlier than his mother, for instance, but neither of them will have received what they needed to become emotionally interdependent. Thus, part of the man won’t want to leave his mother and live his own life and part of his mother won’t want him to leave her and have his own life. This shows how her own lack of development and self-awareness prevented her from being able to provide her son with what he needed to gradually break away from her. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Worth: Can Someone Believe That They Are Worthless If they Experienced Early Deprivation?2/3/2024
Although someone has inherent worth, it doesn’t mean that they will have a felt sense of their own worth. However, even if they don’t have this sense, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this.
But, if they are not consciously aware of this, what is going on for them at a deeper level will still have an impact on their life. What can then be normal is for them to believe that how they experience life is caused by what is going on externally. A Bleak Existence So, a number of areas of their life might not be very fulfilling, and they could believe that they are simply unlucky. Moreover, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there is holding them back. For example, they could have a job that they don't enjoy and they could be treated badly. As for their relationships, they could be surrounded by people who are not supportive and are critical. Emotional State Consequently, they can spend a lot of time feeling down and even depressed. But, if this is how they often feel, they might not be aware of the feelings that they typically experience. What can also play a part in this is that, as soon as they experience a painful feeling or feelings, they could consume and/or do something. This will stop them from being connected to how they feel. A Human Doing The outcome of this is that their need to relax and recharge might seldom if ever be met as when they are not working, they can be doings things to avoid how they feel. They are then going to be a human being but they will behave more like a machine. Still, they could receive a fair amount of positive feedback for being this way, with them seen as someone who is a ‘hard worker’, for instance. If so, this is likely to show that they live in a society that is full of people who are more like machines than human beings. Another Part When they are around their friends and family, they can generally focus on their needs and do what they can to please them. They will then be an individual but based on how they behave, it will be as if they are an extension of others. Due to how they behave, they could often be described as someone who is selfless and very considerate. Not being there for themselves, regardless of the feedback that they receive, is likely to cause them to experience frustration and even anger. Self-neglect But, as they will focus on others and won’t be there for themselves, this is to be expected. Along with this, if these people are not supportive and are critical and they have a job that is anything but fulfilling and are treated badly, a number of their needs are rarely if ever going to be met. Yet, if they were to think about expressing their needs and asserting themselves, they could soon experience fear and anxiety. What this will show is that they only feel comfortable when they are hiding themselves and pleasing others. Stepping Back Assuming that they were to arrive at the point where they can see that they neglect themselves and don’t feel comfortable expressing their needs, if they were to go deeper, they could find that this is seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned. This partly will come down to the fact that they don’t have a felt sense of their own worth and believe that they are worthless. Thus, the only way that they can be accepted and supported is if they hide themselves and do what other people want. Confusion Most likely, what took place during their formative years played a part in why they are this way. This may have been a time when they were often rejected and left by their mother and perhaps their father. As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place, with them coming to believe that they were worthless. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were probably deeply wounded and unable to love them. A brutal Time Along with personalising what took place, they would have been deprived and wounded. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in and a number of their developmental needs. And, as the pain they were in was repressed and was unable to be faced and integrated, they will still expect to be rejected and abandoned. What has already happened will then be seen as something that they expect to happen. The Truth Right now, thanks to the pain and unmet needs that they are carrying, they won’t be able to accept that they have inherent worth and are lovable. Facing and working through this pain and experiencing these needs will play a big part of what will allow them to gradually accept this. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Worth: Can Someone Believe That They Are Worthless If they Experienced Early Deprivation?1/3/2024
During someone’s formative years, they may have had at least one parent who was very harsh. If so, it would have been normal for them to be put down by this parent and treated like they were nothing.
Therefore, even if there were moments when this parent did treat them differently, it wouldn’t have had much of an impact. It also wouldn’t have mattered if they had another parent who was different. A Deep Impact Being treated in this way by someone who they looked toward for love, care and protection would have wounded them. What they needed was for this parent to build them up, not tear them down. As a result of being on the receiving end of this behaviour, there will be how they would have felt and how they came to see themselves. Moreover, there is a strong chance that their parent’s critical voice ended up being internalised. The First Part When it comes to how they would have felt, they are likely to have experienced the following feelings: anger, shame, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness. Along with this, they are likely to have often felt rejected, unwanted, unloved and worthless. Based on how they were being treated, it would have been perfectly normal for them to feel this way. And, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to see that how they were being treated was a reflection of what was going on for their parent. The Second Part When it comes to how they would have come to see themselves, the view that they developed would have been negative. So, as they were being treated badly and they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. It was then not that their parent had their own issues and was unable to see them clearly; instead, it was that had no value, were unlovable, and incapable, for instance. Ultimately, the view that they formed had no basis in reality. The Third Part When it comes to the third part, if their parent’s voice was internalised, it would have caused them to develop a very negative inner voice. For example, this voice would have been programmed to tell them that they were incapable, not good enough, and a failure. Although this voice would have been an effect of how their parent spoke to them, due to how normal it was, it would have been experienced as their own voice. They might have even believed that this voice was part of their conscience. Back To the Present Now that they are an adult, then, they are likely to experience a lot of painful feelings, have a negative view of themselves and have a very critical voice inside their head. This will be an effect of how they were spoken to, along with how they were treated by this and perhaps their other parent. For them to gradually move on from this stage of their life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience, amongst other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence. The Other Side As for the parent who was very harsh and had their own issues, they were probably not aware of how harsh or wounded they were. Even so, criticising their child and perhaps others is likely to have been a way for them to avoid what was going on for them. If, then, they hadn’t put their child and perhaps others down, it would have probably caused them to come into contact with their critical inner voice. The outcome of this is that they would have ended up feeling worthless and unlovable. A Defence Thus, externalising their critical inner voice and putting other people down allowed them to avoid what was going on for them internally and keep it together and function. There is a strong chance that they didn’t have a very good connection with their inner world. By being so externally focused, then, they were oblivious to the fact that they had externalised their critical inner voice and were living on the surface of themselves. If they had been aware of this, it is unlikely that they would have been able to behave in this way. The Bigger Picture What this illustrates is that, while how they were spoken to and treated by them would have been seen as a reflection of their worth and lovability, it had absolutely nothing to do with their worth or lovability. This parent was most likely deeply wounded during their formative years. To handle what took place, they would have developed a disconnected and inflated false self. This self would have typically allowed them to keep what was going on for them at bay but it would have also caused them to become an unfeeling, cold and cruel being, who was full of painful inner material that had to be continually projected into others for them to stop themselves from coming into contact with it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Father Wounds: Can A Woman’s Unmet Development Needs Stop Her From Being Able To See A Man Clearly?29/2/2024
When a woman meets a man who she is attracted to and takes things further with him, she is likely to have a positive view of him. For example, she can see him as a man who is loving, kind, and protective.
Due to this, when she thinks about him and is with him, she can feel loved, valued, desired and safe. As a result of this, she could spend time thinking about being in a relationship with him and even starting a family. The Truth As far as she is concerned, then, the view that she has of him will be who he is. Therefore, it is not going to be a view that is being shaped by who she wants him to be; it will be a reflection of reality. However, as time passes, she could find that he is very different to how he was in the beginning. He could end up being cold and indifferent, cruel and even physically abusive, for instance. One Outlook Assuming that this was to occur, she could come to the conclusion that he was deceiving her in the beginning. So, after he received what he needed and she had become attached to him, he changed. Thus, she will have been taken advantage of and he will be to blame for the suffering that she is going through. In other words, she will be a victim and he will be a perpetrator. A Pattern If she were to cut her ties with him and were to think about this area of her life, she could find that this is not the first time that this has taken place. She may have been with at least one other man who ended up being radically different as time passed. Consequently, she could believe that she is just unlucky or that this is just what men are like. If she does believe that she is unlucky or that this is just what men are like, she is going to have to wait until her luck changes or she will have to stay single forever. Another Angle Now, while it may seem as though she ended up being deceived and taken advantage of, what if there is far more to it? What if her brain played a part in why she was deceived and ended up being taken advantage of? Upon hearing this, she might wonder how her brain could have played a part in what took place. If so, what she will need to keep in mind is that her brain plays a part in what she can and can’t see. A Closer Look What this means is that even though it will have seemed as if a man was one way and then he changed, there is a strong chance that the signs were there but her brain stopped her from being able to see them. It was then not that she was purely being deceived by him; it was that she was also being deceived by herself. It can seem strange as to why her brain would have done this, especially as she will have suffered. Her brain wasn’t trying to cause her to suffer, though; it was trying to meet certain needs. Two Levels There will have been the needs that she was aware of and the needs that were outside of her conscious awareness. When it comes to the former, this will largely relate to her adult needs. When it comes to the latter, this will largely relate to her unmet developmental needs. Naturally, her adult needs are very different to the needs that were not met during her formative years. A Big Impact These unmet developmental needs will be held inside her unconscious mind but they will play a part in what she craves and how she sees a man. Deep down, then, when she meets a man, she will see him as someone who will give her what she missed out on as a child. Along with this, this part of her will also cause her to be drawn to a man who will cause her to re-experience what it was like for her as a child. What this illustrates is that, compared with her unconscious mind, her conscious doesn’t doesn’t have much of an effect when it comes to who she is or isn’t attracted to and the experiences that she has thereafter. Frozen In Time The reason this part of her will not only make her look of what she missed out on as a child but from people who can’t provide, it is that it has no sense of time and is blind. It then doesn’t realise that this stage is over and that other men are not her mother or father Ultimately, this part of her is carrying a lot of pain and accepting the reality, that this stage of her life is over, will be very painful. It is even more painful, at least in the shot-term, than it is for her to re-experience depriving situations over and over again. Back In Time If she was able to remember some of the things that took place during her formative years, she may find that this was a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for her. Additionally, she may have often been put down and physically harmed. Not receiving the attunement, love and protection that she needed would have deprived and wounded her. The pain that she was in and a number of her development needs would have been repressed, and, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place. Drawing the line For her to be able to see a man clearly and no longer look for what she missed out on as a child or create depriving situations, she will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has turned their back on themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. However, if another person were to observe how they behave for a little while, they might soon realise what is going on.
At this point, it can seem strange as to how another person would be able to see what is going on but they wouldn’t be able to; after all, it is their life. What this illustrates is how their brain will have blocked out what is going on in order to protect them. The other Side So, as the person on the outside doesn’t have the need to block out what is going on, it is possible for them to see clearly. This sheds light on why it has been said that human beings see with their brains, not their eyes. If what is going on for them wasn’t blocked out, there is a strong chance that their conscious mind would be flooded with inner material. The outcome of this is that it would be a lot harder for them to keep it together and function. Hidden If they are not consciously aware of how they have turned their back on themselves, they are unlikely to have a very fulfilling life. For example, they can have a job that is anything but fulfilling, relationships that are not very life-affirming, and they might have a strong inner critic. When it comes to what they do for a living, they could work somewhere where they are not valued or appreciated. They might want to leave when they are there and dread going back when they are not. The Other Parts As for their relationships, they might have a number of people in their life who are not very loving and supportive. In general, they might be put down and treated like they are nothing. If they have a strong inner critic, it is likely to be normal for them to feel down and bad about themselves. Consequently, it could often be difficult for them to get out of bed each down and they could have very little if any motivation. Self-Reflection After a while, they could end up taking a step back and wondering why their life is this way. If they were to do this, they could believe that this is just what life is like and that there is very little that they can do. Thus, it won’t occur to them that what is going on for them internally is playing a big part in why their life is this way. Ultimately, they won’t value or love themselves, so how they experience life will feel comfortable to a big part of them. Going Deeper If they were to take a closer look at what is going on and become aware of how they feel about themselves, how they experience life will start to make sense. They will see that, due to how they feel, they have turned their back on themselves. The situations and circumstances that they find themselves in will then be a reflection of how they feel about themselves. After seeing this, they could wonder why they feel this way. A Closer Look What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. Being neglected, put down and even physically harmed would then have been the norm. This would have deprived and deeply wounded them, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop in the right way. The Impact To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were unable to give them what they needed because of their own issues. Yet, as they were unable to see this, they would have been rejected and this would have caused them to reject themselves. A Battle But, although they were unable to accept and love them, they themselves would have struggled to be accepted and loved by them. Most likely, this would have involved them losing touch with parts of them and becoming someone else, in the hope that this would allow them to receive what they needed. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but, their unmet developmental need to be accepted and loved by their mother and perhaps their father won’t have disappeared. These unmet needs will cause them to unconsciously re-create situations that are very similar to how it was for them very early on. Drawing the line For them to no longer turn their back on themselves and accept themselves, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to spend most of their time doing things. Therefore, they will rarely if ever take the time to relax and recharge.
But, if this was pointed out to them, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to accept this. For example, they could say that life is too short to simply sit around and that it is to be lived. Two Options If so, it will be as if they do things and make the most of life or they sit on the sidelines and waste the life that they have been given. And, as they are likely to live in a society that is filled with people who also live in the same way, there can be no reason for them to question why they are this way. In fact, they can receive a lot of positive feedback from others, with them often being seen as a role model. In this society, being extremely driven is likely to typically be seen as a sign of having high self-esteem. One Area Due to how driven they are, they might have been able to achieve a certain level of success. So, they could be doing very well in their career and this may mean that they have a big house and an expensive car, for instance. If this is the case, they can be seen as being successful in the eyes of some people. When it comes to the people who do see them in this way, they are likely to believe that success relates to having a lot of money and certain material objects. Another Reality On the other hand, although they spend a lot of time doing things, they might not be overly successful. Thus, they won’t have a lot to show for all the work that they have put in over the years. As a result of this, they probably won’t receive a lot of positive feedback from others or be seen as successful. They could be used to being in the background in life and even be seen as someone who doesn’t do much. What’s going on? Now, when someone is more or less always on the go, regardless of whether they are or are not successful, it can show that they are running away from themselves. If, then, they were to slow down and take the time to just be from time to time, they might end up coming into contact with a lot of pain. But, as they have behaved in this way for however long and they are likely to be surrounded by people who also spend a lot of time in doing mode, they are unlikely to realise this. What this illustrates is that there is more to their behaviour than meets the eye. Going Deeper If, for whatever reason, they were no longer able to behave in this way and started to slow down, what they might soon find is that they feel very uncomfortable. This can be a time when they will feel anxious and fearful. Below this, can be guilt and shame. At this point, they might wonder why not doing anything causes them to have this inner experience. A Closer Look What this can show is that they don’t believe that they have the right to exist, and, by being on the go and doing things, they are trying to earn this right. Yet, if this is what is going on for them at a deeper level, it won’t matter what they do or achieve. To use an analogy, it will be as though they are stuck on a treadmill that they are unable to get off. With this in mind, being on the go will keep how they feel at bay but it won’t remove these feelings and transform their inner world. Why Is This? They could come to the conclusion that it is strange that they feel this way as they have as much right as anyone else to be here. As strange as it might appear to be, if they were to go back in time to when they were a child and before, what is going on for them might soon make sense. Their formative years may have been a time when they were generally not loved and cherished by their mother and perhaps their father. Instead, they may have often been criticised, ignored, rejected, and abandoned. The Outcome Being treated in this way would have deprived and wounded them and, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and perhaps their father were unable to love them; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. They would then have experienced a physical birth but not an emotional birth – their sense of self would have stayed in an underdeveloped state. The truth is that they deserve to be here and don’t need to earn the right to exist. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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