Relationships: Can A Man Be An 'Avoidant' if His Mother Treated Him Like An Object?

What a man may see, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he doesn’t feel comfortable with emotional closeness. He can see how this has made it difficult for him to experience and sustain an intimate relationship.

So, if he were to think about the last woman he was with, he could see that he was fine at the beginning, but as things progressed, he wasn’t. He can see that he felt alive, good and connected at first and then, as time passed, he started to feel smothered and trapped.

Two Experiences

Therefore, the ‘good’ feelings and sensations that he experienced at first would have been replaced by ‘bad’ feelings and sensations. Due to this, he might see that he soon pulled away, with him not messaging her as much or wanting to see her as often.

Then again, he might have stopped messaging her and had no interest in seeing her anymore. After a while, he might have settled down and messaged and seen her more often or just reconnected with her.

One outcome

This area of his life might then have gone back to how it was, or the woman might have soon ended their relationship. If she did end their relationship, he might have felt a deep sense of relief.

But as time passed, he might have been full of regret, self-blame, and felt sad and helpless. What may have made it even harder for him to come to terms with what had happened is not only that he might have really liked the woman and perhaps loved her, but that this might not have been the first time this has taken place.

A Strange Scenario

After thinking about his area of this life, what might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him. Or he might believe that he is just overly fearful and lacks courage.

What can play a part in this is the criticism that he has received over the years from the woman that he has been with. To some, if not all of these women, it may have been as though he just didn’t like them enough, and if he did, he would have been different.

Confusion

But although he can criticise himself and may have been criticised, it doesn’t mean that he is simply choosing to be this way. In reality, this is likely to be something that takes place automatically when he gets close to a woman.

It then doesn’t matter how much he likes or loves her, as it will be as if he has been taken over by something. At this point, he can wonder why he responds in this way when he experiences something that he wants.

A Closer Look

As confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might start to make sense. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of his life when his mother didn’t see him as a separate being that had his own needs and feelings.

It would have been as though he were an extension of her and was, thus, there to meet her needs. The outcome of this is that he would often have had to do what she wanted, which would have caused him to feel controlled and as though he had no control.

No Choice

And, as he was powerless and dependent, he wasn’t able to change her or to find another mother who could see and hear him and provide him with the love that he needed. His only option was to adapt to her and behave as she wanted him to.

This would have caused him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, but it would have ensured that he stayed connected to her and survived. In other words, he had to abandon himself to avoid being abandoned by her.

Generational Abuse

His mother probably had a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and inflated false self, which is why she wasn’t able to see that her son was separate or how much damage she was doing to him. She was then too caught up with her own needs to truly be there for him.

There is even a strong chance that how she treated her son was very similar to how she had been treated when she was a child.  As for his father, he might not have been around, or he might have been emotionally unavailable and not done anything about what was going on.

Inner Model

Now, in addition to how he adapted to handle being continually violated, there would have been the association that his system made around human closeness. It would have come to associate human closeness as something that would cause him to lose himself and be annihilated.

So, when he gets close to a woman, at a deeper level, he will be reminded of his mother, causing him to feel smothered and trapped and to have the need to create space in order to maintain himself and survive. His brain and body won’t realise that, as he is no longer a powerless and dependent boy, he can assert himself and not be harmed or abandoned.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change this area of his life, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk