Relationships: Can A Woman Have A Fear Of Intimacy If She Ends Up With Men Who Are Unavailable?

Not too long ago, a woman may have been with a man who was seldom physically available. Additionally, when they did get together, he might not have been very emotionally present.

Thanks to this, she wouldn’t have spent much time with him, and when she did, she would have rarely been able to connect to him. Therefore, even if she did feel good when they first started spending time together, this would have soon changed.

Two Experiences

In the beginning, she might have thought that she had met a man who was right for her and even that they would spend a long time together. But as time passed, she might have started to doubt that she was with the right man.

Nonetheless, there might have been part of her that was convinced that, over time, he would change and go back to how he was before. Due to this part, she might have often ignored what was taking place externally and internally.

Reality Set In

If this were the case, it would have gotten harder and harder for her to block out her inner and outer reality. Toward the end, she may have felt deeply frustrated and angry, and helpless and hopeless.

The hope that he would change might not have completely disappeared at that point, but it wouldn’t have had the same impact on her behaviour. Now that this relationship has come to an end, she might not be fully back on her feet, so to speak, but she can be doing far better than she was.

Looking back

Before long, she might reflect on this area of her life and see that this is not the first time that she has been in this position. The relationship that she had before this might have been very similar.

It might go back even further than this, though, as the one she had before this might not have been any different. Assuming that this is so, she can conclude that this is just what men are like or that she is simply unlucky.

A Closer Look

If this is what she believes, it can be because she sees herself as someone who is available and ready to have a relationship. What can play a part in how she sees herself is that she might have spent a lot of time exploring and changing what she believes about herself.

Additionally, some of her friends might have said, in one way or another, that she is ready and that she is a good catch, or something similar. Nevertheless, what if only part of her is available and ready to have a relationship?

Going Deeper

What if there is another, deeper part of her that is not available or ready to have a relationship? After hearing this, she might become angry and dismiss what has been said, with her making it clear that this is not true.

If she does react in this way, it will be important for her to keep in mind that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself. Along with this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind/body.

Hidden

What this means is that what is going on for her on one level might be very different to what is going on for her at a deeper, emotional level. But while her conscious mind won’t be aware of what is going on for her at a deeper level, thanks to repression, it will still have a big impact on her life.

If she were able to connect to this level, she might find that the idea of being with a man who is available causes her to feel trapped and smothered. Furthermore, she might fear that she will be abandoned if she allows herself to get close to a man. After realising this, she might wonder why there is another part of her that is this way.

Back in Time

But as confusing as this can be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when she wasn’t able to securely attach to one or both of her parents.

During this time, they might have been largely emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Consequently, it would have been normal for her to be not only smothered and to feel trapped, but also to be ignored, rejected and abandoned.

The Outcome

To handle this stage of her life, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs, causing her to end up with two selves. Her connected, fully feeling true self would have been repressed and dominated her disconnected, not fully feeling and defensive false self.

And as she was egocentric, she would have ended up associating her needs and feelings as being bad, and come to see herself as worthless and unlovable. Opening up and being close to another would have been seen as something that wasn’t safe and would cause her to lose herself or to be left.

Moving Forward

Lastly, the wounded parts of her will cause her to unconsciously be drawn to men who can’t be there for her, in the hope of finally receiving what she missed out on. These parts of her have no sense of time and are blind, which is why they can’t accept that, as this stage is over and another man is not her parent, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on.

With this in mind, the men who she has been drawn to who were out of reach will reflect the parts of herself that are also out of reach and are not integrated. For her to gradually change her life, she will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk