Relationships: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Keep People At A Distance?

Although someone may want to form deeper connections with others and to even have an intimate relationship, this might not have been possible. When it comes to the former, they may have only been able to get so close to people, and, when it comes to the latter, it might not be any better.

If they were to think about what is going on, they could end up feeling helpless and hopeless. What is taking place can then be seen as something that is totally out of their control, which can mean that they will end up feeling down and even depressed.

The Right Things

This is not to say that, up until this point, they will have simply sat around and hoped that their life would change, though. For a number of years, they may have put in a lot of effort to change this area of their life.

However, while they will have done a lot, they won’t have been able to get very far. In fact, what they may see is that all this effort has just caused them to feel even more frustrated and angry.

Another Scenario

Conversely, one may have found that they have been able to get close to others but, when this happens, they don’t feel comfortable. Instead of feeling happy about being closer to another, they feel the need to back away.

This could be something that baffles them and will have most likely prevented them from being able to move forward in this area of their life. They could believe that there is no reason why they should feel this way around others.

The Same Position

If someone is tying to get close to others and they haven’t had the aforementioned experience, it might only be a matter of time until they do. It could just be that they haven’t got to this point yet.

Before long, then, they could find that they also feel uncomfortable experiencing the very thing that they desire. Therefore, as opposed to saying that these are two experiences, it might be more accurate to say that they are simply two different stages that one will go through.

A Cold Existence

When someone doesn’t feel comfortable getting close to others, they are likely to spend a fair amount of time feeling lonely. This can be a time when they will feel disconnected from everyone and everything.

If they don’t feel this way, it could show that they have simply disconnected from their feelings/body. They can feel numb during this time but, before long, they could consume something, for instance, artificially changing their mood and temporarily bringing themselves to life in the process.

Something Isn’t Right

Now, as they are an interdependent human being and need others, it could be said that it is strange that they have the need to keep people at a distance. What should feel comfortable if being close to the right people - people who they feel safe with, have similar values and value, for example.

As a result of this, one could believe that there must be something inherently wrong with them or they wouldn’t have this problem. What could come to mind at this point is that they have a ‘fear of intimacy’ and even a fear of people

Diving Down

If they do come to this conclusion, their conditioned mind could believe that both of these fears are irrational and that they just need to push themselves. These labels may fit but, at the end of the day, they are simply labels – labels that can be a starting point to looking deeper and gaining more self-knowledge or something that can prevent this from taking place.

What needs to be looked into is why one wouldn’t feel comfortable with being close to others; something that is a vital part of their ability to survive and thrive. There is a strong chance that something happened to them at the beginning of their life and their conscious mind has forgotten all about this.

Way Back

During their formative years, they may have been abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Said another way, this would have a period of their life when they were routinely violated.

As they were boundary-less and unable to defend themselves, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from themselves and, thereby, to no longer be aware of what was taking place.

The Foundations Were Laid

In addition to this, their mind would have formed a number of associations to keep them alive. One can be that other people are a threat to their survival and another can be that they need to keep them at a distance to survive.

The years would have passed but their whole being will be loaded up with trauma and it won’t want them to get close to anyone. It won’t matter that this stage of their life is over or that not everyone is the same as a big part of them will be stuck in the past and, consequently, will perceive life in the same way.

Awareness
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If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk