Relationships: Can Early Deprivation Make It Harder For A Woman To Handle A Breakup?

Recently, a woman may have broken up with her boyfriend, and she may have been with him for a number of months or years. However, irrespective of how long she was with him, she could now be in a very bad way.

She can have moments when she feels very low and moments when she can’t feel anything. If she does, when it comes to the former, she can feel very sad and spend a lot of time crying

A Lot to handle

During this time, it can be hard for her to focus and concentrate on what she is doing. If this is the case, certain areas of her life may have started to be neglected.

What might also enter her mind during these moments is her ex, and she might feel the need to reach out to him. That might have been as far as it has gone, or she might have taken the next step.

The next Stage

If she has taken the next step, she might have asked him how he was doing and if he wanted to meet, for instance. Assuming that this has happened on at least one occasion, they might have ended up having sex, but that’s it.

If this is what happened, she might have felt more settled after, but ended up feeling angry and as though she betrayed herself. The reason for this is that this might not have been what she really wanted.

The Other Scenario

Now, when it comes to the latter, and she ends up losing touch with how she feels, this is likely to show that she has gone into a shut down state. But although this will allow her to function, she won’t be able to feel anything.

It can then be as though she is physically alive, but emotionally dead, with her having very little interest in doing anything. To feel more alive during these moments, she can end up eating things that are not healthy.

Stepping back

After a while, she can start to settle down, with this being a time when she can wonder why she is in such a bad way. What can play a part in this is that she might not have really been in love with him or seen him as the right man for her.

Conversely, she might have been into him, but they might not have been together for very long. After this, she can think about how, when she last broke up with a man, she had a very similar experience.

Further Back

There might be more to it, though, as she could see that she has been in this position on more than two occasions. What can add to her confusion is that she might see that when she experiences a breakup, it is as if she has been abandoned.

She will then be a capable and resourceful adult, but she will feel like a child who has been left. Due to how helpless and hopeless she feels during these moments, it is to be expected that she would do things that she would later regret, such as getting back in touch with her ex.

An Analogy

This will be a time when she will feel like she is drowning and will naturally do what she can to ensure that she doesn’t sink. The reason why she ends up in such a bad way after a breakup can largely be a consequence of what took place during her early years and the impact it had on her.

This may have been a stage of her life when she missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.  If so, her mother and perhaps her father might have largely been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

The outcome

As a result of this, being ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been a normal part of her childhood. To handle not having a number of her needs consistently met and the pain that this caused her, her brain would have repressed a number of her needs and how she felt.

This would have involved her gradually losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, and developing a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self.  She would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and behaving how they wanted, she would be loved.

It was Futile

But as they probably couldn’t provide her with what she needed, as they had most likely also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their childhood, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did. However, adapting in this way would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension.

Many years will have passed since this stage of her life, of course, but when she experiences a breakup, the needs and the pain that were repressed all those years ago will be unlocked. In other words, some of this inner material will break out of her unconscious mind and enter her conscious awareness.

Moving Forward

Thanks to this, it is to be expected that it will be ever harder for her to handle a breakup. Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change her life, she will have a number of steps to take.
She will have pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk