Relationships: Can Someone End With People Who Are Dependent On Them If They Have A Fear Of Abandonment?

For a number of weeks or years, someone may have been in a relationship that is not serving their highest good. The main reason for this is that they could be more like the other person’s parent than their partner.

This can mean that they will not only give a lot to them emotionally but also financially. They can then spend a lot of time listening to them talk about their problems and trying to help them, and giving money to pay for things.

An Exhausting Existence

Due to how long this has been going on, they can spend a lot of time feeling angry, frustrated and tired. Yet, as they will have given a lot but received very little in return, this is to be expected.

Ultimately, they are an interdependent human being who has needs, not an independent human being who is needless. As a result of this, for their life to change, they will need to give less and receive more.

Resistance

However, while this might be something that they are only too aware of, they might be reluctant to speak to their partner about what is going on for them. When they think about speaking up about how out of balance their relationship is, they could feel very uncomfortable.

If so, before long, they could talk themselves out of doing it and think about something else. Alternatively, they may have spoken to them about it but not been able to get very far.

One Scenario

So, they might have felt uncomfortable but spoke up anyway, with this being a time when their partner dismissed what they said or just shut down and withdrew. Assuming that something like this happened, they wouldn’t have been able to get through to them.

After this, they might have ended up feeling anxious and guilty, and had the need to do something for them in order to settle themselves down. Once they felt more settled, they might have been angry at themselves and ended up feeling low.

External Feedback

If they were to speak to a trusted friend or family member about this area of their life, they could be told that the person they are with is not good for them and is just using them. They could also be told that they deserve to be with someone who can be there for them.

After having this conversation, they could question why they are in a relationship that is undermining them. Moreover, they might see that this is not the first time that they have been in this position.

A Pattern

Before they were in this relationship, they might have been with someone who was just as needy and reliant on them. It might go back further than this, though, as they might have been with a number of people who were like this.

If they were to end the relationship, they could feel very unsettled and soon have the need to get back with them. It can be as though they have fallen into a hole, and if they don’t reattach to their ex, it will swallow them.

Stepping back

If they don’t get back with them but settle down as the days and weeks pass, this can give them the chance to slowly understand what is going on. Now, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, what is going on for them is likely to make sense.

This may have been a stage of their life when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Consequently, being ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been normal.

The outcome

Furthermore, one or both of their parents may have looked toward them to be there for them and meet some of their other needs. To handle being deprived and used, they would have had to lose touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable, that their needs and feelings were bad, and that their value was based on them being useful.

Another Element

Also, to help them keep it together and function, they would have lived in the hope that, if they became who they needed and did what they wanted, they would be loved. But as their parents had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as children, they wouldn’t have been able to give them what they needed.

As futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but they won’t have truly put it behind them.

The Connection

Even though they are now an adult, being with someone who is dependent on them will be a way for them to try to avoid being left and thus, coming into contact with how they felt when they were left during their formative years. Most, if not all, of this pain will be held in their body, and some of it will be unlocked when a relationship comes to an end.

As their value and lovability weren't mirrored back to them, in addition to the impact that being left had on them, and they were used, they won’t believe that they can be loved for who they are. This is why they feel comfortable being with someone who needs, not wants, them.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to be able to handle how they feel, to reconnect to their true self, to realise that they are valuable and lovable, and no longer look for the love that they missed out on, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk