One thing that someone could often struggle with is feeling alone and isolated from others. During this time, they could be desperate for human contact and hope that they will soon spend time with another or a few others.
However, if this was to take place, it doesn’t mean that their whole being would show up around another. In other words, their physical self will be there but it doesn’t mean that their emotional self will be there.
This is then similar to one being extremely hungry and only having a starter at a restaurant as opposed to a three-course meal. Undoubtedly, it is better than nothing but it won’t leave them feeling full.
If anything, it will just take the edge of their hunger (loneliness) and it won’t be long until they go back to how they were before. They will have had their fast food and now they can go back to how they were before.
In order for them to receive the nutrients that they need, it will be necessary for their emotional self to also show up. Naturally, this will allow them to fill a number of their needs.
Along with this, it will also allow them to fully show up, not simply play a role. This is what is likely to happen when they are around another, with them becoming who they think another wants them to be.
The False Self
They may come across as easy-going, happy and submissive during this time. By being this way, they will act more like an extension of another than a separate being that has their own needs, feelings and wants.
Considering this, for them to be connected to themselves, it might be necessary for them to be in their own company. If this is the case, being by themselves is not going to be very fulfilling and neither is being around another.
This could be something that they are not aware of or it could be something that they are fully aware of. If they are aware of it, they could be sick and tired of feeling so lonely and losing themselves around others.
They could end up getting to the point where, as lonely as it is, they prefer to be by themselves. This will be painful but it will stop them from having to put on an act around others.
A Strange Scenario
What should be normal is for them to feel comfortable in their own company and comfortable when they are around others. This would allow them to connect to who they are regardless of it they were alone or not.
What this would do is enable them to have deeper relationships with others and to experience intimacy. As when it comes to intimate relationships, this is likely to be another area of their life that causes them a lot of problems.
A Closer Look
When they start to spend time with someone, they are likely to hide who they are as they do in other relationships. Still, this can be a time when they are so relieved to experience human contact with someone to who they are attracted.
But, as time goes go and more is naturally expected from them, they could soon have the need to retract. This could be because the other has started to share their feelings and wants them to do the same and/or simply because they are developing a stronger bond.
Taking all this into account, so the fact that they lose themselves around others and can only connect to themselves when they are alone and don’t feel comfortable when they get close to another, what is clear is that human contact is not seen as something that is positive. Of course, on one level they will want this as they are an independent human being but, on another, they won’t.
They won’t feel safe enough to reveal who they are or to get too close to another, which is why they prefer to be by themselves. The trouble is that although this feels comfortable, living in this way is undermining them.
A Deeper Look
What this may illustrate, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, is that their boundaries were rarely if ever respected during their early years. They were then more like an object than a separate being that had needs, feelings and wants, and this would have caused them to be violated in both big and small ways.
As they were powerless and dependent on their caregiver/s at this stage of their life, their only options would have been to tolerate what was going on and isolate themselves. What would have also taken place, to protect themselves from pain was that they would have disconnected from their emotional self.
Losing touch with their feelings and/or getting away from everyone wouldn’t have changed what was going on, but it would have stopped them from being aware of it. They would then have been able to be violated without being fully aware of what was going on.
The person (or people) who were supposed to love and protect them would have deeply traumatised them, stopped them from developing in the right way, forming boundaries and set them up to fear human contact. They would have also caused them to disconnect from their aggression/fight instinct and thus, left them exposed and unable to protect themselves.
When it comes to standing their ground and saying no, this can be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned and then for their life to come to an end. Being rejected and/or abandoned was probably what took place when they tried to assert themselves as a child and when they were abandoned, they would have probably felt like they were going to die.
By isolating themselves, they won’t need to assert themselves and so they will be able to stop themselves from unlocking emotional wounds that relate to feeling rejected and abandoned. The reason for this is that just like when they were a child, they will be able to disconnect from how they feel; to leave their body and go into their head.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
There will be emotional wounds that they will need to heal and trauma for them to resolve. This will also allow them to settle down their nervous system and for it to go from being wired for protection, to wired for connection.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.