Relationships: Do Men Need To Change For Women To Have Healthy Relationships?

Over the years, a woman may have been with a number of men who were emotionally unavailable and even abusive. If so, she will have been deprived and hurt by these men.

Due to this, when she thinks about this area of her life, she can feel frustrated and angry. Part of her might even question if she wants to date another man, let alone have another relationship with one.

In The Same Boat

Most, if not all, of her friends could be in the same position, as well as other female family members. When she gets together with one of her friends or family members, they might often talk about their experiences with men.

The general theme of these conversations can be that men are the problem, and until they change, this area of their lives won’t be different. Along with this, there can be what she sees online that validates what she believes.

The Truth

Here, there can be different posts that go into how men are the ones who need to be emotionally available and settled, for instance, in order for a woman to settle and be at her best. This will then help to strengthen her view that it is not her and her fellow women who need to change, its men.

But if she has this view, she is likely to feel helpless and hopeless. The reason for this is that there will be very little that she can do.

A Dead End

Of course, she can make sure that she exercises and eats well, as well as look after her mental and emotional health, but that won’t change what men are like. If she could put her desire to experience intimacy with a man to one side, she could just focus on other things and forget all about men.

Yet, as this need can be covered up but not fully rooted out, this approach would only work for a certain amount of time. It would then be covered up and removed from her conscious awareness, only to return before long.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, although it can appear as though men are the ones who need to get it together, what if there is more to it? What if it is not men who need to change, but she is the one, as well as her fellow females who are in the same position, who need to change?

After hearing this, she could feel angry and believe that she is being blamed for what men do. Yet, as she will want to be with a man who is emotionally available and settled, for instance, it is to be expected that she would react in this way.

Going Deeper

At this point, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind, or conscious sense of herself. In addition to this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind.

Taking this into account, as she hasn’t been with a man who aligns with what she wants at a conscious level, there is a strong chance that she wants something radically different at an unconscious level. At this level, she can be unconsciously recreating what it was like for her as a child in order to resolve what happened.

Back In Time

During this stage of her life, she might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Her mother and/or father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

If so, being ignored, rejected, and even abandoned would have been normal. To stop her from being overwhelmed by pain and to keep it together and function, her brain would have repressed a number of her needs and the pain that she was in.

Another part

How she was treated wasn’t a sign that her needs and feelings were bad or that she was worthless or unlovable, but, as she was egocentric, she wouldn’t have realised this. Also, by personalising what happened, it would have given her the hope that, if she became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, she would be loved.

But, as futile as this was, as most likely, her mother and/or father were unable to give her what she needed, as they themselves had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, it would have served as a secondary defence. In other words, it would have allowed her to release tension and helped her to keep it together.

The Past is present

Many years will have passed since this stage of her life, but it is largely because she is still carrying most, if not all, of the pain and developmental needs that were not met that she will unconsciously recreate what it was like for her as a child. This deeper, emotional part of her has no sense of time and is blind.

Due to this, it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother and/or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. This part is also more interested in recreating the old scenario and struggling than it is in actually receiving what it needs. 

Moving Forward

For her to no longer unconsciously recreate her depriving childhood, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

What this all illustrates is that she is not merely an observer of her reality; she is a co-creator if it. Her reality is a mirror that is showing her what is taking place inside her own consciousness and what needs facing and integrating.

Awareness

If she can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk