Relationships: Does An ‘Anxious’ Woman Fear Closeness If She Ends Up With ‘Avoidant’ Men?

After having been with a number of men who pulled away when things started to get serious and perhaps returned after a little while, she could be well and truly fed up with this area of her life. But if this area of her life has been this way for as long as she can remember, this is to be expected.

There will be what she wants to experience, and then there will be what she experiences, and the latter will be very different to the former. What she might soon conclude is that this is just what men are like, or that she is unlucky.

External Support

If she were to talk about this area of her life with a trusted female friend, she could be understanding and supportive. She could validate her view that this is just what men are like or that she is unlucky.

If her friend says this is just what men are like or that she is unlucky, it could show that she is also in the same position. However, even if her friend does validate what she says, it might make her feel better for a little while, but it almost certainly won’t help her change her life.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, she could speak to a trusted female friend about this, and she could say that there is a chance that part of her feels comfortable with what is going on. It then won’t be that this is just what men are like or that she is unlucky; there will be far more to it.

Now, as this will be someone that she trusts, values and respects, she might say that she appreciates her feedback, but that this is not the case for her. But as she will suffer when she is with a man who is out of reach, this won’t be a surprise.

Two levels

Nonetheless, even if she says that this is not the case or something similar, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself. Along with this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind.

As there is what she wants and what she continually receives, when it comes to this area of her life, there is a strong chance that this other, hidden part of her has a radically different intention. If she were able to connect to what is going on for her at this level, what she may find is that she fears emotional closeness.

Confusion

Being with a man who is not only available at the beginning but continues to be as time passes can be seen as something that will cause her to be rejected and abandoned, and even smothered. If so, being with a man who is generally present won’t play a part in causing her to feel supported, valued and loved; it will be a threat to her survival.

Assuming that she has become aware of this, she can wonder why she would view sustained closeness in this way. What might enter her mind is that there is no reason for her to be this way.

Back In Time

Yet, if she were able to go back in time and observe what is was like for her as a child, she might gradually understand why she is this way. This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and/or father did attune to and meet her needs, but this wasn’t always consistent.

As a result, there would have been moments when she was rejected and abandoned, and was controlled. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

Another part

And, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place. It wasn’t that her mother and perhaps her father couldn’t provide her with what she needed; no, it was that she was worthless and unlovable.

The outcome of all this is that her system would have associated human closeness with something that would cause her to be left and abandoned, and to be smothered and annihilated. Furthermore, this will be seen as something that will take place because she is worthless and unlovable.

A Replay

So, when she meets a man, she can be keen for things to progress quickly, as she can feel needy, lonely and empty, but at a deeper, emotional level, she won’t want to get too close to him. Just as when she was a child, then, she will experience closeness, only for her to be left.

The other part of this is that, at a deeper, emotional level, she will be living in the hope that if she struggles, she will receive what she missed out on as a child. To this part of her, the men who she is drawn to will represent her mother and perhaps her father and will be able to provide her with the love that she missed out on.

The Same Story

This part of her is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive this love. She will then be drawn to a man who can’t meet many of her adult needs for long, let alone her unmet developmental needs, with her being deprived and wounded all over again.

Moving Forward
 
With this in mind, for this area of her life to change, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk