Relationships: Does An ‘Anxious’ Woman Need To Take It Slow When She Starts Dating A Man?

Right now, a woman may be dating a man who is very much into her. He can send her a lot of messages and voice notes, wants to spend a lot of time with her, and he may even send her gifts.

Due to this, she can feel alive, connected, wanted and good about herself. If she hasn’t already, she may have the need to tell one of her trusted friends about this area of her life.

One Scenario

Assuming that she does, she can tell them about how attentive, kind and loving he is, and she might say that she believes she has met a man who is right for her. After this, her friend could come across as happy and say that she is pleased for her, or words to that effect.

Then again, she could be happy and pleased for her, but she could also suggest that it might be a good idea for her to take her time to get to know him and not rush into anything. This is not because her friend is trying to undermine her; no, it can be because she is aware of what she has been through before.

External Support

So, when it comes to the last guy that she was with, it might have started off in a similar fashion. The guy would then have come on strong, and she would have rushed into a relationship, but it might have soon changed direction.

As the weeks or months passed, he might have rarely messaged her, let alone spent time with her. Or, it could go even further than this, as he might have disappeared.

One Response

After her friend has shared her thoughts, out of their desire to protect her wellbeing, she might be grateful. However, she might say that this time it is different, as the man she is with is different.

But, although she might have this outlook, it might not be long until she experiences what she did with the last man she was with. During this time, she can feel frustrated, confused, rejected, and as though she has been abandoned.

The Same Old Story

He might have pulled away and be less available, or she might no longer be able to reach him. After a few weeks or months have passed, he might go back to how he was before.

Yet even if this is what takes place, she can be so fed up with how unpredictable and inconsistent he is that she ends it. Once she has settled down, she can wonder why she ended up in this position again.

Looking Back

If she were to think about how she feels when she is with a man who comes on strong, she can find that she feels emotionally whole and complete. But if she were to think about how she felt before a man like this was in her life, she may find that she felt empty, needy and lonely.

In fact, this might be how she feels right now, as she doesn’t have a man in her life. From this, she might see that thanks to how she feels before she is with a man, it makes it hard for her to take her time and find out what a man is actually like.

The Main Driver

She can then see that although she has the need to be with a man who ticks certain boxes, another part of her just wants to feel different. And when a man comes on strongly and creates the impression that he wants to be with her, this other part of her is going to receive what it wants.

Nonetheless, as time passes and his behaviour changes, it will be clear that there is another part of him that is not on board with what he says. The view that she had formed of him will gradually be shattered, and the emotional wholeness that she experienced will also disappear.

A Closer Look

After this, she can wonder why she feels so needy and empty when she is not with a man. What is clear is that until she feels different, it is going to be hard for her to slow things down with a man and to find out if he is the real deal.

She might also see that if she were more settled, she would be less interested in a man who comes on strong and would want to take things slow. Now, when it comes to why she is this way emotionally, it can be because of what her childhood was like and the impact it had on her.

Back In Time

From a very young age, she might not have had a caregiver who was generally attuned to and provided her with the care she needed, with there being moments when she was abandoned and even smothered. She would then have been able to attach to her primary caregiver, but this caregiver wouldn’t have always been predictable and consistent.

The outcome of this is that she would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed a number of her needs and the pain that she was in.

Recreating The Past

Along with this, as she was egocentric, she probably would have believed that she was worthless and unlovable. Many years will have passed since this stage of her life, of course, but at an emotional level, she will be trying to meet the needs that were not met.

This part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. Instead of receiving what she missed out on and feeling whole and complete, she will just be deprived and wounded all over again.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for this area of her life to change, she will have a number of steps to take. Becoming aware of the signs that a man is not available will help, as will taking her time when she meets a man.

The other part of this will be for her to face and process the pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that are held in her body that are hijacking her thinking brain and causing her to rush into a relationship. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk