Relationships: Does An Avoidant Man Need To Take It Slow When He Starts Dating A Woman?

If a man is dating a woman, he can find that he feels connected, alive and good about himself. How he feels can be radically different to how he felt before she was in his life.

Now, he can spend a lot of time messaging her, sending her voice notes, and calling her. Furthermore, he can want to spend as much time as he can with her.

One Stage

The woman that he is with can also be very much into him, with her appreciating how much attention he gives her. She might believe that she has met a man who is not only attracted to her but also values her and wants a real relationship.

But although he can be this way, after a number of months have passed, his behaviour can radically change. He can no longer want to message her as much, let alone spend as much time with her.

The Next Stage

If he were to behave in this way and she were to ask him if he is doing ok, he could say that he just has a lot going on. This might not be something that he just tells her, though; it could be what he says to himself.

Naturally, this is going to cause her to wonder what is going on, and she might feel rejected and abandoned. Still, she could hope that, before long, he goes back to how he was before.

One Scenario

After a while, he might have the need to message her more and to spend time with her, that’s if he hasn’t seen her for a while. The woman might be happy to carry on as normal, or she could be distant.

If she is, it won’t be a surprise, as she is not going to want to allow herself to open up emotionally and attach to him, only for him to disappear and be hurt again. A number of weeks or months could pass, but he could pull away again.

The End

Assuming that this is what takes place, the woman could arrive at the point where she can’t take it anymore and end the relationship. If this is what takes place, he might just go back to how he was living before.

But after a while, he could start to feel angry and frustrated, and then guilty, regretful and hurt. If he can stay with how he feels, he might wonder why he behaved how he did and messed up a relationship with a woman who he wanted to be with.

Another Part

After he has thought about this for a few days or weeks, he might see that this is not the first time he has behaved in this way. He might see that when he was last in a relationship, he was really into the woman and wanted to spend a lot of time with her, but ended up pulling away.

One Conclusion

At this stage, he might believe that there is something inherently wrong with him and that he will never be able to sustain a relationship. But even if he does come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth.

What it is likely to mean is that he needs to behave differently when he meets a woman who he is into and is into him and has trauma to resolve. So, if he were to think about how he feels when he is not with a woman, he can find that he usually feels lonely, empty and needy.

Two Experiences

If this is the case, how he feels will play a part in why he comes across so strongly and has the need for things to progress so fast. Yet, if he thinks about how he feels when he has the need to pull away from a woman, he may find that he feels smothered and trapped.

If this is what takes place, to use an analogy, it will be as though he tries to get to a certain location as fast as possible, but after he has been there for a short period of time, he can’t wait to leave. With this in mind, for this area of his life to change, he will need things to progress more slowly and to feel more settled when he gets closer to a woman.

A Different Experience

So instead of messaging and seeing her as much, he can message her less and see her less often. Of course, if he likes the woman, this is easier said than done, but what he can keep in mind is what may happen if he doesn’t take his time.

What can help him to take his time is for him to become aware of the feelings that are likely to make him want to speed things up. If he were to sit with these feelings, he may find that he fears that the woman will pull away and leave him if he is not overly attentive and doesn’t spend a lot of time with her.

A Closer Look

This is likely to show that he has a fear of being rejected and abandoned, but as he has the need to pull away when he does get closer to a woman, he is also likely to have a fear of being smothered and annihilated. As confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually understand why he is this way.

This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he didn’t receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to securely attach to his mother and then to break away from her. He would then have had moments when he was rejected and abandoned, but also moments when he was controlled, over-stimulated and felt as if he was going to die.

A New Inner Model

Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but his system won’t realise this, and he will carry most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that his brain repressed to keep him alive. For him to take his time when he meets a woman and to feel more settled when he experiences a deeper connection, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk