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If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he is more or less always in a relationship. So, after he has broken up with a woman, he might only be single for a few weeks or months.
Assuming that this is the case, he could believe that he just prefers to be in a relationship. There is, of course, nothing wrong with this; after all, he is an interdependent human being. A Closer Look However, what he could see is that by being this way, he has often ended up with women who were not right for him. In fact, he might not have been with a woman who was right for him. He could see that he is like someone who is so hungry that they end up eating anything. Due to this, it is not possible for him to show the level of discernment that he needs to show to be with a woman who is a good match for him. Confusion Thanks to what he is like in this area of his life, as he might not be this way in any other area, he could struggle to understand what is going on. What might enter his mind is that he doesn’t have much control over this area of his life. Looking back, he could see that on so many occasions, he has been single and then, before long, he has been pulled to a woman who is not a good match for him. He will have been emotionally attached to these women, with it being very difficult for him to cut his ties with them. Two Extremes To use an analogy, it will be as if he has fallen into a hole in one moment and is trying to get out at another. It wouldn’t have taken much effort for him to fall in the hole but it will take a lot of effort for him to get out of it. And, even though he is aware of this, he could have a strong need to be in another relationship. It could then take a lot of effort for him to stop this from taking place and for him to look deeper into what is going on. Going Deeper If he were to look into how he feels when he has the need to be in a relationship, he could find that he feels alone. It could also be as though he has been left, and he could feel helpless. On the other hand, if he were to imagine that he is in a relationship, this could be a time when he will feel whole and complete. His inner world and his outlook will then be radically different to how it was before. The Next Stage Yet, he could find that once he settles down and feels better, he starts to notice that the woman he is with is not right for him. For example, she could have very different values, or she could be abusive. They are then going to be two very different people, or she will be someone who ends up making his life a misery. But, as he will be attached to her and fears being alone, he won’t just be able to cut his ties with her. One Conclusion At this point, what could enter his mind is that he needs to change what is going on inside him before he gets into another relationship. It could be clear that, if he doesn’t, he will continue to go from one dysfunctional relationship to another. He might also see that what takes place in this area of his life undermines other areas of his life. If so, it will be essential for him to change this area of his life in order for him to truly thrive. What’s going on? He could wonder why he finds it so hard to feel whole and complete when he is not in a relationship and has a compulsive need to be with a woman. What this can show is that his early years were a time when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. His mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If this was the case, he wouldn’t have been able to attach to and bond with them and he would have often been left. A Tough Time This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Not receiving the emotional nutrients that he needed would have stopped him from being able to go from being emotionally dependent, to emotionally interdependent. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of how alone he was. Replaying The past Now, he will no longer be a powerless and dependent boy but a big part of him will be frozen in time. This part of him will still be trying to receive the attunement and care that he missed out on. When he is with a woman, this part of him will believe that he is finally receiving what he missed out on. The reason for this is that it has no sense of time and is blind, so it can’t see that another woman is not his mother or father and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. A New Reality For him to no longer look for what he missed out on and experience a sense of inner wholeness, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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