Relationships: Why Would A Man Get Back With A Woman Who Abused Him?

For a number of weeks, months or even years, a man may have been in a relationship with a woman who didn’t treat him very well. This may have been a time when she would often put him down, humiliate him, disregard his needs and feelings, ignore him and even physically harm him.

Due to this, this is likely to have been a time when it was normal for him to feel low and down. He might have ended up losing all motivation and had very little interest in doing just about anything.

Two Stages

When she first started behaving in a way that was harmful, he might have stood up for himself. However, as time passed, he might have simply tolerated how she behaved and not said or done anything.

Then again, he might not have stood up for himself at the beginning and might have just tolerated what took place. If so, like a punching bag, he would have simply absorbed her abuse.

A Battle

However, now that he is no longer with her, he might have started to feel better about himself and become more motivated. He might also be glad that his time with her has come to an end.

Then again, he might not feel much different, and he could experience a strong need to get back with her. Furthermore, she might also want to get back with him, with her often texting and calling him.

External Feedback

Assuming that this is the case, he can end up talking to a few of his friends about what is going on for him. He can tell his friends that he loves her and that if he were to get back with her, it would be different this time.

After they have listened to what he has had to say, they can make it clear that they are there to support him and have his back, but say that he would be crazy to get back with her and that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he is nothing. They can talk about how beaten down he was when he was with her and how he has only just started to get back on his feet.

Inner Conflict

As to how long ago he broke up with her, it might have been a number of weeks or months ago. If this is how his friends have responded, he could reflect on what they have said.

A big part of him can believe that this time it will be different, while a smaller part of him can believe that it will be the same. Thanks to this, it might not be long until he gets back with her.

The Same Old Story

If so, for the first few weeks or months, she might be different, but then she could go back to how she was before. If this is the case, he could start to wonder why he has got back with a woman who is so undermining.

He might see that no matter how he behaves or what he does for her, her behaviour doesn’t change. He could then be the perfect man, but it wouldn’t have an impact on how she treats him.

Drawing the line

Before long, he could break up with her or she could break up with him, which could mean that he will end up feeling how he did before. Part of him can be relieved, while another part of him can feel a strong need to be with her.

To this other part of him, it can be as if he has lost someone that he needs and that, unless he gets back with her, he won’t survive. It is then going to make sense why he got back with her last time and wants to get back with her again.

Stepping Back

As confusing as this is, there is a chance that he is unconsciously trying to resolve what took place during his formative years. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach but was verbally and even physically abusive.

If this is what this stage of his life was like, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed the pain that he was in and a number of his needs.

Not Choice

He would then have lost touch with his connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self, and developed a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. What would have helped him to keep it together and function was the hope that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him.

But, as she was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Along with this, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable.

A Replay

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but the emotional part of him doesn’t have a sense of time and is blind, which is why this part of him will be trying to resolve what happened at this stage of his life. To this part of him, the woman he was with will represent his mother, and he will then have the need to make her into a woman who can love him.

But even if he could change her, as she is not his mother, and it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on, he will be wasting his time. Nonetheless, if he were to stop struggling, he is likely to soon feel deeply uncomfortable, as this struggle will be a defence against the pain and needs that his brain repressed all those years ago.

Moving Forward

Therefore, for him to gradually change this area of his life, he will need to gradually face and work through the pain that his brain repressed all those years ago and experience his unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk