Relationships: Why Would A Man Pull Away After Coming On Strong At The Beginning Of A Relationship?

A woman may find that although the man she is with would often message her and they would often spend time together at the start, for instance, this has all changed. So, she might rarely hear from him, and when they do get together, he might not be very present.

What might enter her mind is that he was into her, but now he is no longer into her; or at the very least, he is not as into her as he was. At this point, she might ask him what is going on, but she might not get very far.

One Scenario

If she were to ask him about his behaviour, he might say that he has just been busy. Conversely, he might say that he has a lot going on right now, and that this is making it hard for him to be himself.

Then again, if she were to message him about this, she might not hear back. But after a number of weeks, he might message her back and act as if he hadn’t received her message.

Another Scenario

There is even a chance that he will disappear for a number of months. When he does return, he could be very apologetic and then soon act as though nothing had happened.

But even if he does go back to how he was, she can fear that it will only be a matter of time before he disappears again. This is unlikely to do her mental and emotional health any good.

Stepping Back

However, even if he doesn’t come on strong again and is less responsive and distant, this is also likely to be difficult for her to handle. This is because she won’t know where she stands with him, and this uncertainty and unpredictability can wear her down even more.

If this is the case, she may find that other areas of her life suffer due to how caught up she is with trying to change him and understand why he is behaving this way. Assuming that this is so, the sooner this area of her life changes, the better.

Her Inner Experience

When it comes to her inner world, she could find that she often feels anxious and finds it hard to concentrate. At other times, she can feel as though she has been rejected and abandoned.

She will then be an adult, but during these moments, she can feel more like a child who has been left by her parents. To help her manage how she feels, she can end up eating, drinking or smoking.

The Other Side

Even though it may seem as if his behaviour shows that he is no longer interested in her, it might not be this black and white. What it can illustrate is that what primarily caused him to be so interested at the beginning was an inner neediness and feeling abandoned.

He might have been in this state for weeks or even months, which would have increased the inner pressure that he was experiencing. This would then have created a strong need to be with a woman, as attaching to her would have allowed him to meet certain needs and avoid how he felt.

The Next Stage

But while this would have allowed him to meet certain needs and avoid how he felt, it probably activated another inner state. Over time, he is likely to have started to feel smothered and trapped.

One uncomfortable inner state would then have been replaced, only to end up being replaced by another before long. The first state would have pulled him in with intensity, while the latter would have pushed him away with just as much.

What this means

If this is what has taken place, how he has behaved probably won’t be a sign that he is no longer interested in her; in fact, he might be very much into her. But thanks to how strong his reaction was when he got closer to her, other parts of him have ended up being covered up and ignored.

He would have felt as though his survival was under threat, so it didn’t matter how much he liked her. Naturally, his need to survive is far stronger than his other needs, such as his need to love and be loved.

What’s going on?

By pulling away, it probably allowed him to gradually settle down and thereby experience more inner control. He might believe that the woman he is with caused him to feel this way, or he might not think about how he felt and is feeling or how he behaved and is behaving.

If he doesn’t reflect on his behaviour, it will show that he is not ready to face certain parts of himself. Until this changes, when it comes to this area of his life, he will not only say things that are not correct, but he will also believe things that are not correct.

A Closer Look

What this may show is that his early years were a time when he largely received misattuned care. It would then have been normal for him to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, affection, care and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Being abandoned would have impacted him, but being smothered would have left an even greater impact. These early experiences would have caused his system to associate human closeness with losing himself and being annihilated.
 
A Pattern

This will set him up to go through a period of avoiding closeness and being deprived, due to his need to avoid human closeness, and then to have a period of intense closeness, only to have the need to retract, and then for the same thing to happen again. When it comes to the women he will be drawn to, they can not only have the same fears, but their fear of being abandoned can be far stronger than their fear of being smothered.

Awareness

Taking all this into account, the man that the woman is with might not change for a long time, and it might be best for her to cut her ties with him. He will be on his own path, and she can’t change him.

As for her, if she has been in this position before, she might have unresolved trauma to face and integrate. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk