Relationships: Why Would A Man Try To Fix “Broken” Women?

At this point in time, a man may be with a woman who is not in a good way mentally or emotionally. This can mean that he will spend a lot of time trying to settle her down and make her feel better.

This can not only be what he does when he is around her, but also when he is not around her. Consequently, a lot of his time and energy is going to be directed toward her.

A Tiring Existence

Thanks to how he is living, he can often feel washed out, with him having very little energy left for his own life. He can then go to work and perhaps see the odd friend, but that can be about it.

But although he can often feel washed out, he might not pay attention to how he feels. He might only start paying attention to how he feels if he arrives at a point where behaving in this way is too much for him to handle.

One Scenario

Alternatively, a friend might notice that he seems as though he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. If so, they could ask him how he is doing and if there is anything in his life that is getting him down.

At first, he might say that he is fine, but after a while, he might open up about his relationship. During this time, he could say that his girlfriend is not doing well and that he does a lot for her.

External Feedback

After he has said this or something similar, his friend could say that while he is giving a lot, he is not receiving a great deal. They might also say that he is more like her parent than her boyfriend.

At the end, they could say that living in this way is not doing him any good and that unless this area of his life changes, he will suffer even more. If he becomes defensive at first, he might soon realise that they are trying help, not undermine him.

Stepping Back

After this conversation, he could think about this area of his life and see that he needs to do something about it. He might see that while he cares about and even loves his girlfriend, how he is living is not doing him any good.

If he were to end their relationship, he might feel relieved, but he could soon feel guilty and, before long, as though he has been abandoned. Due to how unsettled he feels, he could feel the need to get back with her.

Another Direction

If he doesn’t get back with her but does reach out for support instead, this can be a time when he will take a deeper look at this area of his life. Assuming that this is what takes place, he might see that this is not the first time he has been with a woman like this.

He might see that just about every woman he has been with hasn’t been in a good way, and he has tried to make them better. Yet he might see that each time he has been in this position, he hasn’t been able to do this and has just been deprived and ended up feeling exhausted.

The next Stage

After becoming aware of this, he can believe that this is just what women are like, or that he is unlucky. However, what if neither of these things is true, and he is unknowingly trying to receive what he missed out on as a child?

At first, he might dismiss this and say that this stage of his life is over. This is true, of course, but it doesn’t mean that this is something that every part of him is aware of this.

Back In Time

His early years may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but was also emotionally unstable. He would then have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed, and he would have had to adapt to her.

This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Another Element

He would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and doing what she wanted, she would be there for and love him. As futile as this was, as his mother probably missed out on what she needed as a child, and couldn’t give him what he needed, it would have served as a secondary defence.

This is because it would have helped him to block out his inner and outer reality and allowed him to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but a big part of him will still be trying to receive the love that he missed out on.

The Same Old Story

This part of him will cause him to unconsciously project the mother that he had into women who are very similar to his mother, it he hope of being loved. This part will then have recreated what it was like for him as a boy.

But these women will be just as unavailable and out of reach as his mother was, causing him to be deprived all over again. Therefore, instead of being able to resolve this stage of his life, he will just end up repeating it.

Moving Froward

But as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. For him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk