Relationships: Why Would A Woman Shame A Man For Expressing How He Feels?

If a woman is in a relationship, what she may find is that she has criticised her boyfriend at least once for opening up about how he feels. Thanks to this, he might have withdrawn and become less available.

However, if she were to think about how she behaved, what could enter her mind is that a man should be able to control how he feels and shouldn’t get emotional. She can then believe that she behaved in the right way by withdrawing her love from him.

External Feedback

Now, if she were to speak to one of her friends about what has taken place, they could also say that she did the right thing. This could show that she has spoken to a female friend.

Then again, she might have spoken to a male friend. In this case, her male friend could say that when a man behaves in this way it shows that he is weak and lacks self-control.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, she could talk to a friend about what has happened and go into how he has become distant since this has happened, and she could be told that she didn’t do the right thing. This friend could say that even though he is a man, he still has feelings and needs to be supported, not criticised, when he expresses how he feels.

Moreover, they could say that when a man expresses how he feels, it doesn’t mean that he is weak or lacks self-control. After hearing this, she might end up reflecting on her behaviour.

The Next Stage

At this point, she might wonder why she criticises him when he expresses how her feels, and doesn’t empathise with what he is going through and show her support. For her to gain a deeper understanding of why she behaves in this way, it will be a good idea for her to use her imagination.

So, she can imagine that she is with her boyfriend and he expresses how he feels; perhaps he feels sad about something. If she were to connect to how she feels before she feels the need to criticise him, what she may find is that she experiences a sense of disgust.

A Strong Reaction

During this time, then, she won’t feel connected to him and want to be there for him; no, she will experience a sense of disconnection and will be repelled by him. Therefore, it is not going to be a surprise that she behaves in this way.

Assuming that this is what takes place, she could believe that how she feels proves he is behaving in a way that is not right. Nonetheless, what if there is far more to it?

Another Angle

What this can show is that the reason she behaves in this way is because he reminds her of someone from her past. There might have been someone in her past that was very emotional and caught up with their own feelings and needs.

This could be her mother or father, for instance, which would have meant that this undermined their ability to be there for her. In other words, this parent would have often been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Closer Look

Having a parent like this would have meant that a number of her needs would have rarely if ever been met. What she needed at this stage were two parents who were emotionally available and could be there for her.

 Thus, as one or both of her parents were not like this, she would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Along with this, she might have ended up focusing on their needs and doing what she could to meet some of them.

Role Reversal

A time in her life when she needed to receive would then have been a time when she was forced to give. And, although she would have experienced disgust and not wanted to behave in this way, as she was powerless and dependent, she had no other choice.

The resentment, anger, rage and hate that she experienced would have had to have been repressed, along with a number of her needs. Over time, this inner material would have been forgotten about by her conscious mind.

The Same Story

Many years will have passed since that stage of her life but a big part of her won’t have moved on. Due to this, when her boyfriend expresses how he feels, she will respond in the same way as she did when she was a child.

But, as she wasn’t aware of what was going on, it would have seemed as though he made her feel this way. Based on this, it is to be expected that her mind would then rationalise her behaviour.

Moving Forward

For her to be able to be understanding and supportive when her boyfriend expresses how she feels, she will need to face and work through the pain that she had to repress all those years ago and experience her unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk