Relationships: Why Would A Woman Struggle To Make A Man Available?

For a little while now, a woman may have been trying to change how her boyfriend behaves. This is because, when she is around him, he can typically be somewhere else emotionally, making it hard for her to reach him.

Additionally, there can be times when she doesn’t hear from him for weeks, let alone days.  Due to this, this is likely to be a relationship that takes a lot out of her, while giving her very little.

Another Element

What can also play a part in why she feels so drained is that she might have spent a lot of time trying to understand why he is this way. But while she might have a very good understanding of what is going on for him, it might not have had much of an impact on their relationship.

So, whenever she has tried to speak to him about his behaviour, he might have listened to what she has said, but that might have been as far as it went. Or, he might have dismissed what she said and become even more out of reach.

External Support

Assuming that she has put a lot of effort into trying to understand him and change his behaviour but hasn’t been able to make any progress, she might talk to a trusted friend about this area of her life. This can be a time when her friend will say that she is wasting her time and that he will never change.

If they were to ask her why she is staying with him, she could say that she believes that he will change. After this, her friend could say that while this is possible, there is also a chance that he won’t.

Additional Feedback

Further, they could say that the longer she stays with him, the less time she will have to be with a man who is available now. Once their time together has come to an end, she can reflect on their conversation, with this being a time when she will think deeply about this area of her life.

She may that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who is out of reach or has tried to make him more available. If so, this won’t be a one-off; it will be a pattern.

Stepping Back

After this, she might believe that this is just what men are like or that she just happens to end up with the wrong men and is unlucky. But, irrespective of whether she believes the former or the latter, there might be more to it.

She might, unknowingly, be trying to receive what she missed out on during her formative years. If this is the case, when she is with a man who is unavailable, on one level, she will be trying to make him available, but, at a deeper level, he will represent her mother or father, and this is who he will be trying to make available.

After hearing this, she could think that it is crazy, but as crazy as it may sound, what it illustrates is that this deeper part of her has no sense of time and is blind. It then won’t be able to see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on as a child.

Back in time

During her early years, her mother and perhaps her father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have caused her to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed.

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, she would have had to lose touch with her embedded, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

The Struggle Begins

Along with this, she would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and behaving how they wanted, she would be loved. But as they had probably also been greatly derived and deeply wounded during their formative years and couldn’t provide her with what she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted.

But as futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. Many years will have passed since she was a powerless and dependent child who needed her parents’ love, but a big part of her won’t have moved on.

The Past is present

This part of her will cause her to unconsciously recreate her depriving childhood so that she can finally be loved. But as it is too late, as this stage of her life is over, and the man is not her mother or father, she will simply re-experience how she felt as a child.

By realising what is going on and facing the pain and experiencing the unmet developmental needs that she had to repress early on, among other things, she will be able to gradually change her life. What this demonstrates is that what is taking place in this area of her life is there to shine the light on what she needs to resolve; it is not taking place to make her suffer.

Moving Forward

However, as she wouldn’t have been aware of what was going on before, this wouldn’t have crossed her mind. This is a process that will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk