Relationships: Why Would A Woman Struggle To Make Unavailable Men Available?

Right now, a woman may be dating or in a relationship with a man who is often too busy to see her. And when they do get together, he could largely be preoccupied and out of reach emotionally.

As a result, she won’t be single, but very few, if any, of her needs are going to be met.  Thanks to this, what can be normal is for her to feel frustrated and angry, and she can spend a lot of time feeling drained.

External Feedback

If she has spoken to at least one of her trusted friends or family members about this area of her life, she may have been told that she is wasting her time and needs to move on, or words to that effect. Assuming that this is so, while she might have agreed with them, that might have been as far as it has gone.

So she might have spoken to him after this, only for him to dismiss what she had said, or he might have said that he would change. Either way, this might have been what he said a number of weeks or months ago.

The Same Old Story

Since then, she might have spoken to him on a number of other occasions, with her not being able to make any progress. But although she can be fed up with this area of her life, part of her can believe that, if she hangs in there, he will change.

This part of her can think about all the good moments she has had with him and his positive traits, and won’t want to let go. Nonetheless, due to how depriving it is for her to be with him, it is likely to get harder and harder for her to be impacted by this other part of her.

One Outlook

When it comes to this other her, it could be said that it doesn’t have a very balanced outlook. As, yes, there will be the good moments she has shared with him, and, yes, he will have positive traits, but at the same time, there will be all the bad moments she has shared with him and his negative traits.

And, what can be clear to another part of her, the part that can see clearly, is that as time has passed, the bad moments have overshadowed the good, and what she likes about him has also become overshadowed by what she doesn’t. This part of her can see that the longer she stays with him and tries to make him into someone else, the longer she will be deprived and will suffer, and the less time she will have to be with a man who is right for her.

Inner Conflict

After becoming aware of these two parts of herself, she can wonder why there is a part of her that can’t just face reality and accept that she needs to cut her ties and move on. What might also stand out is that this is not the first time she has been in this position.

She might then see that her last relationship was very similar to this, as was the one before this. If this is the case, there is a chance that part of her is trying to receive what she missed out on as a child.

Back In Time

During this stage of her life, both her mother and father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have meant that she missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle not having a number of her needs consistently met and the pain that this caused her, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have caused her to lose touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

Another Element

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. And, as he was egocentric, she would have blamed herself for what happened; she was then bad, while her parent or parents were good.  

Blaming herself would have also given her the hope that, if she became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, she would be loved. But as one or both of her parents probably couldn’t love her, as they themselves had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted or what she did.

A key part

Even so, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. Now, many years will have passed since that stage of her life, of course, but the part of her that doesn’t want to accept what a man is actually like will be the same part of her that couldn’t accept what her mother or father was like.

This part of her won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why it can’t see that another man is not her mother or father and that this stage of her life is over. It won’t be that this part of doing what it can to make her suffer; no, it will be doing what it can to stop her from facing the pain and the unmet developmental needs that she wasn’t able to face as a child.

Moving Forward

To this part of her, if she faces reality, it will cause her to feel how she felt all those years ago and to be annihilated. But now that she is an adult, she is not only stronger, but she doesn’t have to face his pain by herself, and this can take place gradually.

With this in mind, for this other part of her to weaken and be integrated, she will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk