Relationships: Why Would A Woman Try To Fix “Broken” Men?

At this point in time, a woman may be with a man who is not in a good way mentally or emotionally, or he might not be able to support himself financially. Due to what is going on for him, he might typically be emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

But if he is not very present and doesn’t have a great deal to offer, she could still do a lot for him. As a result of this, it is going to be a relationship that is out of balance.

Lop Sided

Of course, in any relationship, there will be moments when one person gives more than the other, but this is going to be radically different to what it is like. Based on how she behaves, she is going to be more like his parent than his girlfriend.

She might have been with him for a number of months or years, but no matter how long it has been, she is likely to be fed up. What might be clear is that it doesn’t matter what she does for him, he doesn’t change.

External Support

If she has spoken to her friends about this area of her life, they may have said, in one way or another, that she is wasting her time and needs to move on. During these moments, she might have agreed with them, but not taken the next step.

She might see there is another part of her that believes that, if she keeps helping him, he will gradually change. This part is then not going to want to accept reality and will be living in hope.

Stepping Back

If she were to look back on her life and think about the other men that she has been with, she may notice a pattern. She may see that she has the inclination to end up with men who are like this.

Some of these men might have had different issues, but in any case, they wouldn’t have been emotionally available. Assuming that she sees this, she can conclude that this is just what men are like, or that he is unlucky.

Two Reasons

If she does believe that this is just what men are like, she is not going to be able to change this area of her life. If she believes that she is unlucky, she will have to wait until her luck changes.

Nonetheless, what if this is not just what men are like, and she is not unlucky? What if a big part of her is choosing men who can’t be there for her? After hearing this, she could say, for instance, that this is not true, as this is causing her to suffer.

A Closer Look

If part of her rejects this view, but she is able to step back and observe it, she could wonder why part of her would have this need. But as strange as this will be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might make sense.

This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Due to this, she would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The outcome

Being ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been a normal part of her childhood. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Another part

In addition to her losing herself, she would have lived in the hope that, if she became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, she would be loved.  But this hope would have been futile, as most likely, her mother and perhaps father had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years and couldn’t provide her with what she needed.

Even so, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have helped her to block out her inner and outer reality and release tension. As she is now an adult, this stage of her life is over, but a big part of her won’t realise it.

A Replay

This part will cause her to unconsciously be drawn to men who can’t be there for her, in the hope of finally being loved by her mother or father. The reason for this is that it won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why it won’t see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late to receive this love.

Therefore, it will seem as if she is trying to make a man available, but what she will really be doing is trying to make her mother or father available. She will then be engaging in a symbolic act.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to reconnect to herself and no longer look for the love that she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs for her to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk