Relationships: Why Would An ‘Anxious’ Woman Become Obsessed With An ‘Avoidant’ Man After He Has Pulled Away?

After having dated a man who is very attentive, kind and loving for a number of weeks or months, a woman can feel alive, connected, valued and good about herself. Due to how he has and is behaving, it can be as though she has met the right man for her.

But if he messages her a lot, sends her a lot of voice notes, and wants to spend a lot of time with her, this is to be expected. Along with this, he can pay for everything when they are together and send her gifts.

More Evidence

Over the time that they have been together, he might have spoken about what they can do together in the future. For example, he might have said about moving closer to her, if not about them moving in together.

Additionally, he might have said about them going on holiday together and perhaps getting married and having a child. From what he has said, it will be clear that he isn’t just thinking about the here and now; he is also thinking ahead.

External Feedback

Throughout the time that she has been with him, she might have spoken to her friends and perhaps family about him. If she has, this may have typically been a time when she has spoken positively about him.

These people may have also been supportive and expressed their happiness for her. Nonetheless, at least one of these people may have suggested that she take her time and not rush into anything.

The Next Stage

Anyway, after spending a day or a weekend together, he might no longer be as responsive as he was. Unlike before, he may take ages to reply, and he might not talk about meeting again.

Alternatively, it could go further than this, as he might stop messaging her, and when she calls him, he might not answer. If this takes place, she might wonder if something bad has happened to him and be concerned about his wellbeing.

Silence

The days, weeks and even months could pass, and he could continue to be unresponsive. Now, if she were to find out that he is doing ok and nothing bad has happened to him, it doesn’t mean that she will be able to emotionally settle down and focus and concentrate on other areas of her life.

It could be said that this is to be expected, especially as she will have emotionally attached to him and he will have disappeared without saying anything. Naturally, part of her is going to want to know why he behaved in this way, so she can make sense of what is going on.

Another part

Furthermore, another part of her can think about what he was like and be thinking about how it would be if he hadn’t pulled away. This part of her is then going to want things to carry on as they were, so that what was spoken about takes place.

Thanks to this part of her, she may find that she spends a lot of time fantasising about being with him and doing things with him. When this takes place, she can feel alive, connected, valued, loved and good about herself.  

One Outcome

When this part takes over, she can believe that, sooner or later, he will change his behaviour and their relationship will continue. She can believe that she just needs to hang in there.

This can be something that she ends up telling some of her friends and family. When she is not seeing her life in this way, she can feel very low and might not have much interest in doing anything.

Stepping back

After experiencing life in this way for a little while and seeing how much of an impact it is having on her ability to live her life, she might wonder why she can’t just let him go and carry on with her life. What she might find, during this time, is that by focusing on him and thinking about how she believes it will be if he comes back and their relationship continues, she is able to avoid how she feels.

If so, if she were to accept that he is gone and may never come back, she can feel rejected, abandoned, and helpless. She may believe that she feels this way because he has left.

A Pattern

This may be the first time that she has been with a man who has pulled away or felt this way, or she may see that this is not the first time. After this, she could conclude that this is just what men are like and is simply how she feels after a relationship has ended.

However, this scenario might be very similar to what it was like for her as a child, a time when her mother and perhaps her father were inconsistent and unpredictable. She would then have been seen and heard, received affection and cared for, only to be left at other moments.

The past is present

To handle not having her developmental needs consistently met and the pain that this caused her, her brain would have repressed these needs and how she felt. But although her mother and perhaps her father couldn’t provide her with what she needed, she would have lived in the hope that, if she struggled, they would be there for her.

This hope, as futile as it was, would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. Many years will have passed since she was a powerless and dependent child who needed her parents'love, but a big part of her will be frozen in time.

The Same Story

This part of her will cause her to be unconsciously pulled to a man who can’t be there for her, in the hope of making him into a man who can be. Not only can this part believe that she is not worthy of being loved, but it won’t have a sense of time and will be blind.

This is why it won’t see that, as another man is not her mother or father, and this stage of her life is over, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. She will then be pulled to a man who can’t meet her adult needs, let alone her unmet developmental needs, with it being as though she is receiving what she missed out on, only for her to be deprived and wounded all over again.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for her to no longer look for what she missed out on and to see a man more clearly, she will have a number of steps to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk