Relationships: Why Would An Anxious Woman End Up With Avoidant Men?

After meeting a few times, a man and a woman can become strongly attracted to each other. And, as the weeks and months pass, they can become very close and move from dating to a relationship.

However, seemingly out of nowhere, he can end up pulling away and becoming distant. She can then text or call him, but not hear anything, with it being as if he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

A Very Different Experience

To use an analogy, it can be as though there was a fire roaring away and then, for no apparent reason, it has just gone out. At this point, the woman can wonder what is going on.

Additionally, she can often feel anxious and as though she has been rejected and abandoned. At other moments, she can find it hard to feel anything, with this being a time when she is depressed.

Not in A Good Way

Thanks to what is going on for her, it can be hard for her to focus and concentrate when she is at work, and it might be hard for her to sleep, among other things. A lot of her time and energy can be spent trying to get hold of him and understand what is going on.

But if she does hear back from him, he might not say much, or he could say that he just has a lot going on. However, if she does hear back from him, even if he doesn’t say much, it could give her the hope that things will go back to how they were before.

One Scenario

After a number of weeks or longer, he could become more responsive, and they could meet again. They might spend a day together, or they might spend the night together, and then, he could disappear once more.

If so, she can go through another period of not knowing where she stands with him and having moments when she feels rejected and abandoned and moments when she goes into a shut down state and can’t feel much. The weeks or months could then pass, and he could appear, only to disappear once more.

Drawing the line

Regardless of whether this does or doesn’t happen, she could arrive at the stage where she can’t take any more. If she does get to this stage, it can partly be because of the support of her friends and family.

But if she does end their relationship, if it can be called that, she might wonder if she has made the right decision. Part of her might believe that if she stayed with him, he might have changed.

The other Side

Now, he might have changed, but based on how he has behaved and the fact that he is not aware of why he is behaving in this way, assuming that he isn’t, it is unlikely that he would have. Most likely, he felt smothered and trapped, and ended up pulling away in order to settle himself down and experience a sense of control.

Nonetheless, before they started spending time together, he might have felt lonely and very needy. If this were the case, how he felt would have caused him to come on strong, with how he felt after being what caused him to pull away with the same intensity.

Another part

Due to the state that he was in at first, he wouldn’t have thought about whether he was rushing things or how he would feel as time passed. He would then have created the impression that he wanted more, only for another part of him to assert itself over time and take over.

There is a chance that he has behaved in this way at least once before, and he might be confused about why this is. That is, unless he doesn’t believe that a woman causes him to feel this way.

Back To her

The reason why he behaves in this way probably goes back to what it was like during his formative years and the impact this stage of his life had on him. Throughout this stage of his life, he likely received misattuned care.

With that aside, if the woman were to reflect on her previous relationships, she may find that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who is like this. She might see that she has been with at least one other man who came on strong and then pulled away before long.

A Closer Look

If she were to think about how she felt before she was with a man who was like this, she may find that she felt needy and as though she was missing something. She then wasn’t just looking for connect to a man; she was looking for a man to complete her.

Along with this, deep down, part of her may be trying to receive what she missed out on during her formative years. This may have been a time when she did receive attuned care, but it wasn’t always consistent, with there being times when she was abandoned and even smothered.

Replaying The past

If part of her is trying to receive what she missed out on early on, it will cause her to unconsciously be drawn to men who mirror what it was like for her as a child. This is because this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t realise that another man is not her mother or father or that this stage of her life is over.

As a result of this, instead of being able to receive what she missed out on and move forward, she will just end up being deprived and wounded all over again. Without this understanding, she will just be caught up with what is going on externally and trying to make unavailable men available.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for her to no longer try to unconsciously receive what he missed out on as a child and be with a man who is available, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. What will also be important is for her to take her time to get to know a man and make sure that she doesn’t rush into anything.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk