Relationships: Why Would An ‘Anxious’ Woman Feel Regretful After Breaking Up With An ‘Avoidant’ Man?

After having been with a man for a number of months or longer who would be available and then pull away, a woman may have arrived at the point where she couldn’t take any more.  When this first happened, she might have been concerned and wondered if he was ok.

Additionally, as time passed, she might have felt rejected and abandoned. Due to how she felt, it was likely to have been hard for her to focus and concentrate on other areas of her life.

The next stage

However, as time passed, she might have gradually been able to settle down and live her life. If she still lived in the hope that he would get back in touch with her, this wouldn’t have been enough to stop her from living her life.  

After a few weeks or longer, he might have got back in touch with her, with this being a time when her mood improved. Before long, they might have spent a day or a night together.

The Same Direction

He might have stayed around for a little while after this, or he might have disappeared again. If he did disappear, she might have soon felt rejected and abandoned, and then shut down emotionally.

Assuming that this is what took place, after she settled down again, she might have concluded that living in this way was not doing her any good. As a result, she might have ended it.

Self-Doubt

But now that the dust has settled, so to speak, she could wonder if she has done the right thing. The reason for this is that she can think about the good moments that they shared and believe that, if she had hung in there, he would have changed.

It then won’t be that she broke up with a man who was available one moment and then totally out of reach the next; it will be that she was with a man who had the potential to be the man that she wants to be with. By ending it with him, then, she will be missing out on having a fulfilling relationship.

Self-Blame

After this, she can feel very low, and she might even think about getting back in touch with him. Nonetheless, if she were to think about doing this, she could share what is going on for her with a trusted friend.

If so, her friend can be very understanding and supportive, but they can say that she did the right thing. They can also say that when it comes to assessing how someone will behave in the future, it is important to take into account how they have behaved in the past and are behaving in the present.

Holding On

It then won’t be that there is no chance that he wouldn’t have changed, but the chances that he would have are likely to be very low. After this conversation, she can be grateful for their advice.

Even so, she can find that although she can see that he probably wouldn’t have changed, there is still part of her that can’t accept this. She can find that this part of her is convinced that if she had stayed with him, he would have changed.

A Closer Look

This part of her can not only want her to get back in touch with him, but also for her to be with him again. At this point, she can wonder why a big part of her has this need, especially as she suffered so much when she was with him.

It might be as though this part of her is not on her side and is trying to harm her. But even though this may appear to be the case, there is a chance that this part of her is trying to receive what she missed out on during her formative years.

Back In Time

To this part of her, a man can represent the mother or father that she probably had, who wasn’t consistent with their attunement and care. This stage of her life will then be over, but as this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, it will still be trying to meet her unmet developmental needs.

The hope that she has that an unavailable man will be there for her if she keeps struggling is the same hope that she had to develop as a child to handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Along with her brain repressing how she felt and a number of her needs, to allow her to handle what happened, she would have also lived in the hope that, if she became who they wanted and did what they wanted, she would be loved.

The Same Scenario

But just like the man wasn’t able to give her what she wanted, her mother or father was also unable to give her what she needed. As futile as this hope was, though, it would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to gradually let go of her need to try to make her ex or any other man into someone else and receive what she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk