Relationships: Why Would An Anxious Woman Rush Into A Relationship With An Avoidant Man?

A woman may have just started dating a man who is very much into her. He can send her a lot of messages and voice notes, and want to spend a lot of time with her.

And, when they spend time together, he can talk about certain destinations where they could go on holiday. Along with this, he can talk about moving closer to her or even suggest that they move in together.

One Experience

Thanks to what he is like, she can feel seen and heard, valued, loved and as though she has met a man who is right for her. If so, she may soon share what is going on in this area of her life with friends and family.

But, even if she doesn’t do this, some of the people in her life could notice that she is different and ask her if something in her life has changed. If she were to talk about this area of her life to a trusted friend, she could say that she has met a man who is right for her.

External Feedback

Assuming that she does talk about what he is like and some of the things that he has said, her friend could be happy for her but not say much else. Then again, her friend might say that he sounds like a decent guy, but that it might be a good idea for her to take it slow, or words to that effect.

The reason for this is that she might have been with a man who was like this before, only for him to pull away before long. If this is the case, she won’t be saying this to undermine her; she will be saying it because she cares about her.

The next Stage

Now, she might appreciate what her friend has said, but she might not heed her advice. As a result, she can continue to become emotionally closer to him, and their relationship can move forward very quickly.

However, before long, he can stop messaging her as much, and she might rarely see him. Or, it could go further than this, as he might not message her or reply to her messages.

The Fallout

Assuming that this is what takes place, she can feel confused, and she might feel rejected and as though she has been abandoned. Due to how low she feels, she can do just about whatever she can to hear from him again.

So even though he won’t have replied to her messages or voice notes or answered her calls, she can continue to message him and leave him voice notes and call him. Yet, as ineffective as this is, it is likely to make it easier for her to handle how she feels.

One Scenario

During this time, she can find it hard to focus and concentrate, and certain areas of her life might suffer. But over time, she may find that she starts to settle and is no longer as focused on him.

If she does start to settle and is less attached to what may or may not happen with him, after a number of weeks or months have passed, he might get back in touch with her. He might talk about why he disappeared and be very sorry, or he could say that he was just busy and expect everything to go back to how it was before.

Drawing the Line

If this is what takes place, she could carry on with how things were, or she could say, in one way or another, that he is not right for her and break up with him. Assuming that she does cut her ties with him, it might take a little while before she is able to settle down.

After this, she might look for another man to date, or she could take a break from dating and give herself the chance to explore why this area of her life is this way. If the latter takes place, she might see that she has seldom taken her time when she meets a man and ends up rushing into a relationship.

A Closer Look

If she were to think about how she feels before she starts dating a man, she may find that she usually feels lonely, very needy, and even abandoned. Therefore, it is not going to be a surprise that, when she meets a man who acts as though he is really into her and promises her so much, she is going to want things to progress rapidly.

The thinking part of her brain is going to be hijacked by the parts of her that want to feel different. At this point, she might judge herself and believe that she is too needy, for instance.

A Deeper Look

But even if she does respond in this way, what she can keep in mind is that, most likely, the main reason why she behaves in this way when she meets a man is that part of her is trying to meet needs that were not met during her formative years. This can show that this was a stage of her life when she wasn’t able to surely attach to and then break away from her mother and perhaps her father.

Instead of consistently receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed, she was likely to have had moments when she was rejected and abandoned, and even smothered. To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

Another Element

And, as she was egocentric, she probably came to believe that she was worthless and unlovable. Now, many years will have passed since that stage of her life, of course, but an underdeveloped part of her won’t be able to trust that another person will stick around and will expect to be left.

Nonetheless, this same part of her can cause her to unconsciously recreate what it was like for her as a child, a time when there was connection and then disconnection, in the hope of finally receiving the love that she missed out on. This part of her won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is what it can see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on.

Moving Forward

Due to this, while at a conscious level, she will want to be with a man who is available and is right for her, another, stronger part of her will have a different intention altogether. For her to no longer look for what she missed out on as a child and become more integrated, there will be a number of steps for her to take.

She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and pertinence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk