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Recently, a man may have met a woman who he is strongly attracted to and is attracted to him. Due to this, they might often message and call each other, and often spend time together.
During this time, he can feel connected and alive, and he might often think about how he has met the right woman for him. Now, this can carry on for many months, if not longer, before he starts to feel different. A Big Shift If he does, he can start to feel restricted and as though he is losing his freedom. Thanks to this, he might not want to spend as much time messaging and calling her, let alone as much time seeing or being with her. Consequently, the woman can wonder what is going on, and she might end up messaging and calling him more. But while she will be doing this to bring him closer, it is likely to have the opposite effect. More pressure Even though it will just be a message or a call, merely seeing a message or call on his phone from her can increase his inner tension. He will then just be seeing information on a screen, but it can be as if the woman he is with has taken a step closer to him. Assuming that he doesn’t contact her and goes silent, she may wonder if she has done something wrong or if he is simply no longer interested in her. Additionally, she can feel rejected and abandoned. The next Stage After a number of weeks or months pass, he might reach out again, and they may even get together. If he does reappear, he might make out that he has just had a lot going on and can act as if nothing has happened. And if they do get together, it can be a very passionate and intense time, only for him to disappear once more. This pulling away and then coming together can be something that takes place a number of times over a period of months or longer. The Point of No Return Assuming that this is so, the woman can arrive at the point where she can no longer tolerate living in this way. She can be in a very bad way mentally and emotionally, and no longer have the energy or desire to stay in a relational rollercoaster. If she does arrive at this point, it might take her a while to get back on her feet, so to speak, but when she does, she can reflect on this area of her life. This can be a time when she will see that this is not the first time that she has been in this position. The other Side After this, she might end up taking a closer look at her formative years, with her seeing that this area of her life is very similar to what it was like for her as a child. If so, she will then have been unconsciously re-creating what it was like for her as a child, in the hope of receiving what she missed out on. But to put what is going on for her to one side and to go back to what is going on for the man, after the relationship has come to an end, he can end up feeling relieved. When he starts to settle, though, he can be full of regret and feel very low. Stepping Back Assuming that he does feel this way, he can wonder why he pulled away and wasn’t able to show up as he did in the beginning. If he were to reflect on how he felt before he was with her, but he may find that he felt lonely and very needy. But, while he felt connected, seen, heard, alive and good about himself when he first started dating her, he gradually felt smothered and trapped. It was then not that he pulled away because he no longer wanted to be with her, he pulled away in order to maintain his sense of self. Too much to handle Therefore, after feeling deprived, it would have been very nourishing for him to be with a woman who was responsive. But as time passed, the very thing that pulled him in so rapidly would have been what pushed him away just as fast. After thinking about this, he may find that this is not the first time that he has behaved in this way; he may find that his last relationship was the same. It might go back further than this, too. Going Deeper If this is something that has taken place more than once, and even if it hasn’t, there is a chance that his early years were a time when he received misattuned care. Practically from the moment that he was born, his primary caregiver, probably his mother, didn’t provide him with the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed. The outcome of this is that it would have been normal for him to be rejected, abandoned, and to feel trapped. To handle what happened, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. The Meaning His system would also have come to associate human closeness with annihilated. A protector part of his psyche will have also formed, to ensure that he didn’t allow himself to get too close to another. But although this part will have been there and will still be there to protect him, it will have caused and will cause his need for human contact to be repressed and typically ignored. He will then have moments of extreme deprivation, and this will make him feel empty and needy, causing him to come on strong, only to have the need to retreat once more to ensure his survival. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, given what he experienced from a very young age, it will make sense why he finds it hard to sustain closeness. It won’t be that there is something inherently wrong with him or that he simply has a ‘fear of intimacy’; it will be that he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, and this had a big impact on him. For him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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