Relationships: Why Wouldn’t An Anxious Woman Be Able To Recognise An Avoidant Man?

A woman may have started dating a man who spends a lot of time messaging her, leaving her voice notes and wants to spend a lot of time with her. Thanks to how he behaves, she can spend a lot of time feeling good.

She may even believe that she has found a man who she will spend the rest of her life.  Along with what she thinks about him and where things will go, she might spend a lot of her time telling her friends and family members about him and what he does for her.

The next Stage

However, after they have been together for a number of months, he might no longer message her as much, and she might seldom see him. Then again, it could go further than this, as he could just go silent, with her not hearing from him.

If the former takes place, she could feel confused and wonder if he is no longer into her. But if the latter takes place, she could be concerned, and end up feeling rejected and abandoned.

The Same Old Story

If she has been in this position before, though, she could start to feel frustrated, angry and hopeless. There will then be how she feels as a result of what is happening, and then, this will be exacerbated by the fact that this will have happened again.

Assuming that this is not the first time she has been in this position, she may find that she has been in this position on a number of occasions. What can then enter her mind is why she wasn’t able to spot the signs.

Weighed Down

Part of her can end up criticising her, which can cause her to feel even lower. Nonetheless, what she can keep in mind at this stage is that she probably didn’t consciously choose to take things further with and end up attaching to a man who is not emotionally available.

What this comes down to is that in addition to her conscious mind, she also has an unconscious mind. Her conscious mind will have wanted to be with a man who is available, among other things, while her unconscious mind is likely to have a different agenda.

A Closer Look

Now, although there are these two parts of her, this other, hidden part of her will also influence her conscious mind. When she first started spending time with him, her ability to think and see clearly was likely to have been impacted by this other part of her.

So, if she were able to think and see clearly, she might have noticed that although he didn’t know her, he was overly keen. It was then as though he wasn’t really interested in finding out if she was right for him; he was more interested in not being alone.

What’s going on?

The reason why this, as well as other things, didn’t stand out is that part of her is likely to have unconsciously seen him as someone who would meet certain needs. Due to this, the so-called ‘red flags’ would have been ignored, and if any of them did stand out, her conscious mind would have rationalised them away.

There would have been adult needs that she was looking to meet, and there are likely to have been unmet developmental needs. At this point, she can wonder why part of her would not only stop her from thinking and seeing clearly, but also cause her to look toward a man who can’t be there for her.

Going Deeper

At a deeper, unconscious level, she can be trying to re-create what it was like for her as a child. This may have been a stage of her life when she was often rejected and abandoned, with her missing out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed.

To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. And, as she was egocentric, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad and that she was worthless and unlovable

The Same Story

The part, or parts, of her that exist outside of her conscious awareness don’t have a sense of time and are blind, which is why they can’t see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. Therefore, this part her will cause her to be de drawn to a man who will be there and then pull away, just like when he was a child, in the hope of experiencing a different outcome.

But while this is what this part will want, the outcome will be the same; she will attach, then she will be rejected and abandoned, and feel helpless. Instead of being able to resolve what happened, she will end up being wounded and deprived all over again.

Moving Forward

For her to be more emotionally settled, to think and see more clearly when she starts dating a man, and to no longer look for the love that she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk