Self-Deception: Why Is It Easier For Someone To See Another Person's Issues Than Their Own?

At this point in time, someone could be in a relationship that is anything but fulfilling. The main reason for this is that the person they are with could be emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

As a result, it is not going to be possible for them to emotionally connect to and feel close to them. The outcome of this is that they can often feel ignored, lonely, invisible, and as though they don’t exist.

An Emotional Desert

But, as they will be missing out on important nutrients, it is to be expected that they would feel this way. If they were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on, they could be told that it is probably best for them to break up with them.

They could say that as they have been in this position for a number of weeks, months or longer, it is unlikely that things will change. If this it the advice that they receive, they might soon decide to walk away.

Stepping Back

Assuming that they do, they might end up thinking deeply about this area of their life. During this time, they can see that this is not the first time that they have been in this position.

They might see that their previous relationship was very similar, and it might go back even further, with them having been in at least three relationships like this. After this, they might conclude that they are just unlucky or that this is just what men or women are like.

A Natural Consequence 

But, as they will want to be with someone who is emotionally available and within reach, this is understandable. As far as they are concerned, they can be emotionally available and ready to have a real relationship.

This can also be a view that their friends and perhaps family validate, with these people often telling them that they are ready to have a relationship and have a lot to offer, or words to that effect. However, although it can seem as though what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue, what if there is more to it?

Another Angle

What if the view that they have of themselves is not the complete truth, and they are not as emotionally available as they believe? After hearing this, they could become angry and say that this is not possible.

They might then believe that they are being blamed for something that they are not playing a part in. What will be important for them to keep in mind at this point is that, in addition to their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves, they also have an unconscious mind.

Two levels

In other words, along with the part of them that sees itself as being emotionally available, there can be another part of them that isn’t. But as this part of them is hidden and they are not aware of how it’s impacting their reality, it means that they are not consciously choosing to experience life in this way.

This is then not about blame; it is about them becoming aware of how there is more to them than meets the eye. By becoming aware of this, they will be able to gradually change their life.

Seeing Clearly

Assuming that there is another part of them that is holding them back, the view that they have of themselves will have unknowingly prevented them from seeing themselves clearly. This view that they have of themselves is unlikely to be the only thing that has caused them to be deceived, though.

Additionally, the feelings and sensations that would shed light on why this area of their life is this way can be repressed. If this weren't the case, they might find that when they experience sustained emotional closeness, they start to feel unworthy, smothered, trapped, and as if they are going to die.

What’s going on?

The information inside them that is outside of their conscious awareness might have been held there since their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing.

Their mother and perhaps their father might have largely been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. By not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed, it would have been normal for them to be ignored, rejected, and abandoned, and to feel trapped, smothered and as though they were going to die.  

One option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded and keep it together and function, they would have been forced to adapt. This would have involved their brain repressing how they felt and a number of their needs.

Consequently, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, and formed a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to see their needs and feelings as bad, to see themselves as worthless and unlovable, and associated human closeness with something that was a threat to their survival.

It’s over

The years would then have passed, and their conscious mind would have forgotten about what happened, but their unconscious mind or body would have remembered. Due to what is going on for them at an emotional level and the impact it is having, the self-image that they have created, and even what they look like or have achieved, for instance, won’t have much of an impact.

What this demonstrates is that, thanks to the self-image that someone can have and their brain's ability to keep what is going on internally hidden in order to protect them, they can be unaware of what is really going on for them. On the other hand, when it comes to them seeing another person clearly, their self-image is less likely to get in the way, and their brain won’t have the same need to deceive them, that is, unless, of course, seeing the other person clearly would undermine their defensive structure and cause pain to enter their conscious awareness.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually change this area of their life, there will be a number of steps for them to take. There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for eternal support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk